While playing piano on Sunday, it came to me- I refuse to live the rest of my life living in fear. I’m done being bound by these invisible chains that never allow me to move forward.
Just the other day, I had with my family what some may call, an intervention. Definitely not expected and I’m pretty sure it was all planned out. There was a deep wound that goes way back, years and years in the making that has affected nearly every area of my life- the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough. Slowly everything began to click together. Why it has always seemed like my life has been on a treadmill- going, but not really getting anywhere. Procrastination to the absolute maximum, even the easiest of things. Self-sabotage, waiting way too long and missing opportunities upon opportunities. Knowing the right things to do, but never actually doing them. Starting and never finishing. Believing everything was my fault. Words engraved into the depths of my being since I was young by parents. Words spoken of lack, failure, a problem, never being good enough, a nobody, not worthy, not deserving of good things. These were what have molded my reactions, choices, thoughts and words throughout my life.
This was a rude awakening. I’ve gone through healing from my abusive childhood but what has still stuck with me is fear. It’s as though all this time, I’ve been blinded and now a light has shined upon the very root of some pretty serious things in my life. It is a horrible feeling to have all these dreams and goals yet, somehow, never being able to reach them.
In light of my current goal: finding self, knowing that I’m deserving and worthy- I suppose this realization couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. It is imperative that I know that I know that I know that I know that I am deserving and worthy of so many things, quite alot actually. This fear goes real, real deep. I am ready. I am ready for that freedom. I am ready for these chains of fear to be loosed. I am ready. This is the year I come out of hiding. Hiding behind those evil words. Hiding behind those filthy lies. I am so, so, so, SO much more!!!
Through the past weeks I realized that I really couldn’t handle staying friends with the person who I had feelings for and nearly got into a relationship with.
At first, I was sure that it could happen but as days went on being around him while with my friends, I found that I’d act different. Whenever he would act really friendly to another female, I would get jealous! These ladies were my friends and I knew that there was no way I could allow this type of division to come between us. Not to mention that I didn’t even have a place to be jealous of anyone! I had thoughts like- looks like he’s moved on, don’t tell me I got played and cracked open the door to my heart for nothing!
I had to stop right there- I had one more planned event that he was coming to and boy, did I dread it! However, I smiled and acted like everything was A-ok. 😉 After that night, I began to distance myself. I stopped messaging him, sending random funny pics, and acknowledging him in public places. Is it easy? It gets easier as each day passes but it was very difficult from the get go. I had to realize that even if what ran through my mind proves to be true- THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM!
I owed it to myself to let go, I owed it to myself to allow God to heal what little there was/is to heal. I deserve to shut that door in my life, even lock it up and burn it if I can! Ok, I kid, I kid! Seriously, I do deserve to trash all the romantic and futuristic things he said (about a future).
So, is it possible to stay friends with one that you had a relationship with?
No. Not if you intend on moving on and killing those feelings. We are worth so much more than to stress and fill our minds with could-haves, should-haves and would-haves! After all, men turn their feelings off like the flip of a light switch! So, why should these men take up any more space in our mind when they are no longer deserving to be there? Our happiness is only being sucked dry for as long as we hold onto someone (or something) that no longer belongs. So, my goal is to distance myself for as long as needed, (of course, I see him several times a week so I have to at least be cordial & polite) but anything else will not be happening!
Until next time! 😁
In the rush of life, and the day in age in which we live- society molds our brains to think that at a certain age we should settle. At a certain age we should be married, have a career and so on…. but when the time is right, the time will come. Enjoy your single life while you can, one day that man made just for you will show up- but will you be ready?
I recently experienced some, what one might call, “freaking out” when a man came into my life that seemed to match everything on my list. I wasn’t expecting or looking for it, but neither was I ready ! Hence, the reason why I freaked out. My heart wasn’t ready nor was my body but everything within me wanted to just go for it, just dive in to the relationship. Why? Because I was on the verge of becoming 28 years old and hadn’t been in a relationship for about 4 years. When everyone’s approval of this quickly blossoming relationship shouted louder in my ears than the whisper that was in my spirit- Who’s to say “he” isn’t the one, who’s to say he is? I had to make a difficult decision, face the truth- I wasn’t ready. I still had healing to recieve in my heart, I still needed to be fully complete within myself. Don’t be afraid to put that possibility on hold, if it’s meant to be, it will be. Focus on YOU. You are what’s worth it, put your time and effort into you because you deserve it. That’s my focus, learning me. When you know your worth, you won’t settle for a bargain deal- because only the best, deserve the best!
Don’t settle baby girl!!
Because she owed it to herself to keep going…
And on her 28th year, she rose up. Out of the ashes, outshined in beauty.
“You’re time has come,” her maker said,
“You’re outfitted in facets of my light, ready. You’re my diamond brought out of darkness. There’s no more hiding, you are worth far more than precious rubies, my prized possession.”
My Heart In Ink