My relationship with fear
I despise you
The cause of many passed opportunities
The cause of so many anxiety attacks
But also my protection
I remember you used to warn me as a teen
You used to warn me, hanging over me and twisting my stomach
Calling attention to yourself but I never knew why.
I didn’t understand or know who you were
I only knew the feeling of impending doom
That by the end of the day,
I’d be beat
Beat by the fists of his erupting, volcanic anger
Paired with the taste of leather and,
Belt buckles to my purple-welted thighs.
Always my fault.
But it wasn’t.
Though at the time, I was convinced it was my fault
No perfect child was I
But fear stood by my side, became engraved like a shameful tattoo
Somehow you tried to help me, but it never worked.
On days I felt your presence, it only ended badly
In tears, even though there’d be hours of apologies
Today I realize you were nothing but a poser.
You were never there to “protect me”
Only there so that you could dig those gnarly nails deeper into my very being.
So that you could become stronger as I grew weaker
You nasty little fool.
Years and years and years and years and YEARS
Living under your control, my every move and decision,
Every interaction, Every thought.
Until eventually, I began healing.
I began to slowly realize who you were and how much you had consumed me.
As though you knew you were losing strength and I was rising,
You’d attack me.
Throwing me down to the floor with panic attacks, anxiety and depression
Hoping I’d stay on the ground, long enough to erase all the progress I’ve made
Yeah, you used to win.
This last time though??
By far the hardest blow you’ve thrown
Only because I’m on the cusp
The cusp of something greater than I’ve ever been able to be
Getting back up is difficult, but God is on my side
Something you seem to forget,
You can NEVER win against God.
The reason I write this is because I want to break your power
To weaken it even more, one must expose you
I choose to help erase the stigma
Feelings of shamefulness because of the depression
Feelings of embarrassment
All in attempt to cause isolation.
You WILL NOT WIN.
Because, today, I CHOOSE TO WIN.
Success is mine.
You are not.
God has not given me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, Love and a SOUND mind.
Today I’m winning.