Becoming

Ever so often, I’ll go and sit in front of the waves.  Drawn in by the oceans’ immense capacity to just BE.

TO JUST BE.

Most of my life I spent following after what others said I should do or who I should be.

Never really stopping to ask myself what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be.

It never passed my mind because all I ever wanted was to please others so that I’d be liked or loved or at least felt needed or accepted.

I’d always passed up the opportunity to just be.

Crippled by fear, there have been many avenues where I was afraid to venture into the inner walls of myself.

I didn’t know how to love myself or accept myself.

And the truth? I couldn’t love myself.

It’s as if I had this inner disgust for things I had done, for who I’d become, for what I even looked like.  I couldn’t accept anything about myself because I had a father who would always tell me I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or thin enough.

18 years engraved into my brain sure takes years and years to erase and replace.

Filled with so much negative energy

Finding myself even unable to feel happiness when I should be happy

And in the past several months, there has been an ocean inside me.

Waves upon waves coming and my mind is constantly being enlightened with thoughts and ideas I never thought possible.

Never had before.

Always thought the path I was on was where I had to stay.

But to travel the world, you can’t stay on just one road can you?

No. It isn’t possible.

Sometimes you have to fly and sometimes you even have to crawl.

Maybe my world had to be shaken

Had to be destroyed.

We take for granted the dark times in our life, but those dark times are what cause change.

The dark valleys are never daisies and Rose’s.

They’re rainstorm and tornados.

They’re lightening and floods.

They’re being lost in a cave or stranded in a dessert.

It’s hard to find happiness and joy there.

Trust me I know.

I’ve spent so much time there.

Bad after bad, after bad- A F T E R  bad.

Then finally.

There is a change in the air like the changing of seasons.

JANUARY hit and I started to see the light.

A small glimpse of that beauty I’ve missed

A hope.

Something new.

Something to look forward too.

The rain came and it nourished the earth, its thirst was quenched.

Now we are in spring and can I be honest?

The colors have never been more vibrant than they are right now.

The greens and the yellows, the abundance of all the blossoms and leaves.

In the rain they were becoming.

And now they are.

And nature is in its carefree ability to just BE.

Autumn used to be my favorite season because it was when old things die.

It isn’t my favorite anymore.

Spring is like God’s example of how beautiful something can become. An example of how He creates something NEW.

Something FRESH.

It signifies hope.

It let’s me know that it’s ok to let go of who I was months ago, to let go of who I thought I should be.

It is God’s way of telling me that the dark valleys are behind me.

That FINALLY, I can just BE.

Just like the waves of the ocean and the nature around us.

I can relax into this moment.

Soak up the warm it is bringing

And you know what?

Not giving a F*** if others are happy for me or not.

My life, my happiness.

I am becoming.

And it is new and I am adjusting but I am allowing myself to accept myself.

I am fiesty and sensitive at the same time.

I am a whiplash of emotion sometimes and that is OK.

I am intelligent and wise

But also immature in the ways I not yet wise.

I am beauty

My body is a land of beautiful fleshly mountains and engravings called “stretch marks ”

It isn’t smooth but I don’t care.

Loving myself isn’t about shaming myself for the size I am.

I am becoming.

And it’s miraculous.

 

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