Genuine

Give me genuine

Give me strong

Give me caring

Give me loving

Give me an ear or a shoulder

Without a price behind the kindness

A difficult pill to swallow

I find myself in the same place

Wanting relatability and friendship

Reaching

Finding amazing people.

Like clockwork,

When the timer stops, so does thier kindness

Easy to offer our best, most kindest version of ourselves

When you’re getting paid to be nice.

Why can’t we just be kind just because?

Why do we find ourselves attaching strings and limitations?

What if every person you see, needs something from you?

What if that is our entire purpose?

To live in harmony and peace

Freely loving.

Past our own frustrations and hardships

Kindness is difficult to find

It’s easy to lash out and go backwards.

but remember growth.

Remember healing

Remember the synchronization

If we can learn to water our own garden

Aka self-care

We will have enough from our cups

The cup would runneth over.

A bounty of supply

Until, next time-

Amanda.

Roots

Rough and raw around the edges

Layers upon layers you’ll find me

I can’t take back what already happened

In fact- It’s a part of me, my many roots

Roots that have dug deep beneath

Without my roots, I cannot stand tall

Tall as the trees

It is ok, I am ok

For I have countlessly been washed beneath the moon and the stars,

Healed by the earth’s healing rain

I am me.

Every scar, every line

Endless stories to tell

So much insight and wisdom

So much love

So much light

So much tenderness and care

I can’t be me without my roots.

I learned how to heal

I learned how to forgive.

I learned that shame is not mine to keep

No longer to identify with

I learned how to speak to my inner child

Speaking as though she were my own

I learned how to be brave.

Braving the memories

As all the light bulbs start going off

Things begin to click

Suddenly what I didn’t understand,

Is crystal clear and healing

Healing those roots

So, I, the tree, can continue to stand tall

17 years

Amigas por vida we’d always claim-
Right.
But only God knew the future.
I can’t explain to you how much this hurts
I can only hope that you feel the same pain inside your heart too.
A week away seemed like a great idea
I’m beginning to wonder if more time is needed.
I never imagined we’d be here
I’m sure you feel the same.
I don’t want to feel so angry but all I want to do is to be left alone.
You made the decision
I accepted it.
I didn’t fight it or try to make it better
Because I know our end has come.
I’m torn inside
Yet somehow I have to pretend I’m ok.
But healing is painful.
Letting go of a best friend is painful
Beyond words.
Without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re irreplaceable
But we’ve grown
I’ve grown
There are things I wish I could change about how you treated me
But I can only change MY reaction.
What happened was meant to happen
But I can’t help but feel so alone now.
17 years.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I should be.
But I am always changing.
Perhaps the reason behind this fallout
Is simple.
A true best friend accepts all of the many versions of you.
Maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe you weren’t as genuine as you led me to believe.
Your acceptance and love for me dissipated as who I was began to change.
A true best friend, doesn’t cut off all ties without trying and trying and trying.
But I respect your decision.
I respect it because I know it’s time to say goodbye.
Goodbye to 17 years
Goodbye to the many laughs we shared
Goodbye to the many secrets we held
Goodbye to the tears we shed for eachother
Goodbye and thank you.
Although our time is up, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thankful.
I’m thankful for the friend I had in you.
I’m thankful for all the times you came through
I’m thankful for the countless times you had my back
You will be missed, and I will honestly,
Always have love for you.

Becoming

Ever so often, I’ll go and sit in front of the waves.  Drawn in by the oceans’ immense capacity to just BE.

TO JUST BE.

Most of my life I spent following after what others said I should do or who I should be.

Never really stopping to ask myself what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be.

It never passed my mind because all I ever wanted was to please others so that I’d be liked or loved or at least felt needed or accepted.

I’d always passed up the opportunity to just be.

Crippled by fear, there have been many avenues where I was afraid to venture into the inner walls of myself.

I didn’t know how to love myself or accept myself.

And the truth? I couldn’t love myself.

It’s as if I had this inner disgust for things I had done, for who I’d become, for what I even looked like.  I couldn’t accept anything about myself because I had a father who would always tell me I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or thin enough.

18 years engraved into my brain sure takes years and years to erase and replace.

Filled with so much negative energy

Finding myself even unable to feel happiness when I should be happy

And in the past several months, there has been an ocean inside me.

Waves upon waves coming and my mind is constantly being enlightened with thoughts and ideas I never thought possible.

Never had before.

Always thought the path I was on was where I had to stay.

But to travel the world, you can’t stay on just one road can you?

No. It isn’t possible.

Sometimes you have to fly and sometimes you even have to crawl.

Maybe my world had to be shaken

Had to be destroyed.

We take for granted the dark times in our life, but those dark times are what cause change.

The dark valleys are never daisies and Rose’s.

They’re rainstorm and tornados.

They’re lightening and floods.

They’re being lost in a cave or stranded in a dessert.

It’s hard to find happiness and joy there.

Trust me I know.

I’ve spent so much time there.

Bad after bad, after bad- A F T E R  bad.

Then finally.

There is a change in the air like the changing of seasons.

JANUARY hit and I started to see the light.

A small glimpse of that beauty I’ve missed

A hope.

Something new.

Something to look forward too.

The rain came and it nourished the earth, its thirst was quenched.

Now we are in spring and can I be honest?

The colors have never been more vibrant than they are right now.

The greens and the yellows, the abundance of all the blossoms and leaves.

In the rain they were becoming.

And now they are.

And nature is in its carefree ability to just BE.

Autumn used to be my favorite season because it was when old things die.

It isn’t my favorite anymore.

Spring is like God’s example of how beautiful something can become. An example of how He creates something NEW.

Something FRESH.

It signifies hope.

It let’s me know that it’s ok to let go of who I was months ago, to let go of who I thought I should be.

It is God’s way of telling me that the dark valleys are behind me.

That FINALLY, I can just BE.

Just like the waves of the ocean and the nature around us.

I can relax into this moment.

Soak up the warm it is bringing

And you know what?

Not giving a F*** if others are happy for me or not.

My life, my happiness.

I am becoming.

And it is new and I am adjusting but I am allowing myself to accept myself.

I am fiesty and sensitive at the same time.

I am a whiplash of emotion sometimes and that is OK.

I am intelligent and wise

But also immature in the ways I not yet wise.

I am beauty

My body is a land of beautiful fleshly mountains and engravings called “stretch marks ”

It isn’t smooth but I don’t care.

Loving myself isn’t about shaming myself for the size I am.

I am becoming.

And it’s miraculous.

 

You Broke Through

The day I met you

I remember the connection we made

It was Simple yet… different.

Couple months went by till you asked

If I would be your girlfriend

I remember being scared.

I remember not wanting a relationship

Singleness was blissful

I was satisfied with enjoying that season.

But here you came.

Knocking at my heart’s door

I turned you down so many times.

I rejected all the love you tried to give

I fought and I fought hard

To keep you out.

Out of my heart.

It took me a while to love you

But because I was afraid to.

I know that you will say I’ve helped you change so much

You have also changed me.

So much.

You have shown me things that I never thought existed

Or if they did, that I didn’t believe I deserved.

Your love for me is relentless and that was the scariest for me

I never had the opportunity to be loved without condition or consequence

The only genuine Love I knew before you was God’s love.

His unconditional love

Though you are growing in the Lord,

Your heart is already following in the steps of the Father

The love you show me day after day

Is what broke through my walls

My walls of fear and brokenness

My walls of hurt and doubt

When I expected you to be mad, you were not moved.

I tested those waters of your heart

Until I thought for sure that you would be done with me.

Let me tell you what I have realized about you

You are strong.

It takes a damn strong man to handle a broken woman

To love her when she should be hated.

To comfort her when she should be rejected

To treat her like your queen when she least deserves it.

You are my blessing

I heard God tell me,

“You’re welcome. He is what you NEED.”

My blessing from God, breaking through my impossible walls

Into my heart

And now I know I am safe.

Safe with you.

I am happy to live every new day

With you by my side

I never knew I could be loved like this so fiercely and gently.

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acceptance

Maybe I have had this for a lot longer

But it was dormant

Obtainable

Deniable

The cause, however, of much issue

The roots, miles deep

And even though, I have survived through my own life

I has been hard to keep happiness by my side.

It is no wonder that I had to “fake it till I made it” through most of my life

Just a smile, but inside, I am wishing I didn’t have to speak.

My heart will give and give and give

Until I am left empty-handed.

I never thought much of it, I just assumed that was how life was

That this struggle I battle inside my own head was just a life-sentence

I recently had to come to some acceptance

I had to choose to remove the eye mask and come to the realization

THAT  I  NEEDED  HELP .

I had to realize that I have spent years trying to do it on my own,

Trying to make this “depression” go away on its own.

I only kept self-sabotaging myself, over and over.

The expected self-reaction, always disappointed and frustrated with myself.

This is a season stripped down, of all the added things

Keeping up with only the bare minimum

So that I can face this head-on

And focus on healing that hurt little girl that affects my daily choices

It’s time for some major self-care

It’s time to do some deep cleaning, time to scrub the walls and the floors

All the corners and cracks.

To be successful, I have to admit that I need a little help.

I have to accept that not only do I deal with anxiety, but also depression.

I will be okay, I will overcome this

I wish I could say I won’t need help for the rest of my life,

Only God knows and only with God’s help can I do this.

The first step to freedom, is Acceptance.

 

Fear

My relationship with fear

life long

I despise you

The cause of many passed opportunities

The cause of so many anxiety attacks

The cause

But also my protection

I remember you used to warn me as a teen

You used to warn me, hanging over me and twisting my stomach

Calling attention to yourself but I never knew why.

I didn’t understand or know who you were

I only knew the feeling of impending doom

That by the end of the day,

I’d be beat

Beat by the fists of his erupting, volcanic anger

Paired with the taste of leather and,

Belt buckles to my purple-welted thighs.

Always my fault.

But it wasn’t.

Though at the time, I was convinced it was my fault

No perfect child was I

But fear stood by my side, became engraved like a shameful tattoo

Somehow you tried to help me, but it never worked.

On days I felt your presence, it only ended badly

In tears, even though there’d be hours of apologies

Still.

Today I realize you were nothing but a poser.

A fake.

You were never there to “protect me”

Only there so that you could dig those gnarly nails deeper into my very being.

So that you could become stronger as I grew weaker

You nasty little fool.

Years and years and years and years and YEARS

Living under your control, my every move and decision,

Every interaction, Every thought.

Until eventually, I began healing.

I began to slowly realize who you were and how much you had consumed me.

As though you knew you were losing strength and I was rising,

You’d attack me.

Throwing me down to the floor with panic attacks, anxiety and depression

Hoping I’d stay on the ground, long enough to erase all the progress I’ve made

Yeah, you used to win.

For years.

This last time though??

Nope.

By far the hardest blow you’ve thrown

Only because I’m on the cusp

The cusp of something greater than I’ve ever been able to be

Getting back up is difficult, but God is on my side

Something you seem to forget,

You can NEVER win against God.

The reason I write this is because I want to break your power

To weaken it even more, one must expose you

I choose to help erase the stigma

Feelings of shamefulness because of the depression

Feelings of embarrassment

All in attempt to cause isolation.

NAH.

You WILL NOT WIN.

Because, today, I CHOOSE TO WIN.

Success is mine.

You are not.

God has not given me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, Love and a SOUND mind.

Today I’m winning.

 

 

 

 

Self-Care

Life got too chaotic

Tried to keep up

I couldn’t

Lost something that I knew God had already closed the door to

Still, I was shook to my core

Ignorance was my friend

Then, like clockwork

Panic set in

This time, it was historical

Like an earthquake no one ever expects

I was caught in a trap that I couldn’t get out of

its’ aftershocks sent me spiraling down

Into depression

Loss for want,

Loss for focus,

Loss for ability.

Fear crept in, whispering

“what if it happens again?”

The very thought flooded my eyes with more tears

But deep down I knew I had help,

I knew that I had God’s Favor and Grace

It was just up to me to force myself back up

out of the rubble,

Out of fear’s underground shelter

I did what I’ve known best through the years

Like a fighter in the ring who took a hard blow

I slowly got back up

Each day gets easier,

I have begun to pick up the pieces

Today, I’m winning

Self-care, my professors said

First and foremost, is ME.

This is self-care.

Prayer is my self-care

Perhaps saving me from my old self

Awakening new avenues within that never used to exist before

But it’s time

It’s the season

Today I awaken a new level of focus

Awakened levels and avenues, and thought processes

Keys to who I am today to who I will be tomorrow

Self-care they said.

Self-care will keep the anxiety at bay

Success in hand.

Today I’m Winning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Searching for the non-existent fault

Every day you amaze me.

With the inner feelings of why?

Why do you love me?

I am so bad.

I make so many mistakes.

I am always fighting.

When I think I’ve really made you mad, you surprise me.

All that exudes is peace.

Deep inside I can’t imagine how someone like you is actually real.

So I search.

I search for a fault,

for a secret,

a second life,

your mistakes at hiding.

I search because

All I have ever known is

Disappointment and rejection.

I fight to hold these walls up still

Because I somehow think that

Someone could never love me like you do,

because I somehow think that there has to be something wrong.

As the days and months go by,

my fight to uphold this wall

is slowly disintegrating.

Your unwavering love is like a warm bubble bath.

So soothing.

The exact ingredient I need.

Perfect

In this moment

Cuddling in your arms

There’s nothing I would change,

Nothing I want more of,

Nothing I want less of.

There is no hurt.

There is no confusion.

It’s perfect.

Perfect the way I breathe you in

Perfect the way you hold me tight

Perfect the way your face rests against mine

Perfect the way we breathe

In sync

In harmony

In peace

In love

Perfect.

And nothing could ever replace

What I feel inside my soul

The way that I know

That I don’t want this to change

That I know that it won’t change

That this, I want until I breathe my last breath.

In your arms

In your embrace

With the beat of your heart I can hear.

Perfect.

Through ups and downs, I still know

There will always be potholes

Always be cracks in the road

Always be traffic jams

In the road of life…

But with or without you,

That is life in a nutshell.

So I choose to share this road with you

Because, in an imperfect world

Full of chaos

Full of pain

Full of drama,

I still get those moments with you

That are perfect.

Priceless.

Endless.

Irreplaceable.

Perfect.