Fear

My relationship with fear

life long

I despise you

The cause of many passed opportunities

The cause of so many anxiety attacks

The cause

But also my protection

I remember you used to warn me as a teen

You used to warn me, hanging over me and twisting my stomach

Calling attention to yourself but I never knew why.

I didn’t understand or know who you were

I only knew the feeling of impending doom

That by the end of the day,

I’d be beat

Beat by the fists of his erupting, volcanic anger

Paired with the taste of leather and,

Belt buckles to my purple-welted thighs.

Always my fault.

But it wasn’t.

Though at the time, I was convinced it was my fault

No perfect child was I

But fear stood by my side, became engraved like a shameful tattoo

Somehow you tried to help me, but it never worked.

On days I felt your presence, it only ended badly

In tears, even though there’d be hours of apologies

Still.

Today I realize you were nothing but a poser.

A fake.

You were never there to “protect me”

Only there so that you could dig those gnarly nails deeper into my very being.

So that you could become stronger as I grew weaker

You nasty little fool.

Years and years and years and years and YEARS

Living under your control, my every move and decision,

Every interaction, Every thought.

Until eventually, I began healing.

I began to slowly realize who you were and how much you had consumed me.

As though you knew you were losing strength and I was rising,

You’d attack me.

Throwing me down to the floor with panic attacks, anxiety and depression

Hoping I’d stay on the ground, long enough to erase all the progress I’ve made

Yeah, you used to win.

For years.

This last time though??

Nope.

By far the hardest blow you’ve thrown

Only because I’m on the cusp

The cusp of something greater than I’ve ever been able to be

Getting back up is difficult, but God is on my side

Something you seem to forget,

You can NEVER win against God.

The reason I write this is because I want to break your power

To weaken it even more, one must expose you

I choose to help erase the stigma

Feelings of shamefulness because of the depression

Feelings of embarrassment

All in attempt to cause isolation.

NAH.

You WILL NOT WIN.

Because, today, I CHOOSE TO WIN.

Success is mine.

You are not.

God has not given me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, Love and a SOUND mind.

Today I’m winning.

 

 

 

 

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Streets

Late nights
Street lights
Walking the line & and say you’re fine
Going through to get through
Laying down
Opening up
Paying out
For money that’s not even yours
Hiding not to get caught
But to be caught may be your answer out
Do you want out?
As if happiness is found in giving away what you wish was still yours
Don’t play that game
I know you wish there was more
More than this rugged life that caught you up
Being controlled
As if bruises were equal to the amount of love you get?
When did black & blue become the definition of love?
When did blood become ok to spill,
“Because I care” they say.
“Because you’re mine” they say
“Because I love you” they say
“Because I’m all you got” they say
“Because no one else wants you” they say
“Because you deserve it” they say.
When?
When did pain equal love?

I can think of a time.
A man innocent
Took the blame
Did it anyways
Betrayed
Slandered
Wrongly accused
Mocked
Spat on
Beaten
Beaten so badly that the flesh on his back was torn
Nails straight through his hands and feet Stuck on two pieces of wood.
Dying.
Dying to save
Because that was the time that blood spilt equalled love
FOR YOU.
He took the beating so that you didn’t have to
Because He saw your beginning from end
Sending His son to rescue you.
If ever love equalled pain, it was on the crucifixion.
He took it all so you could be free
So you could have more
More than the streets
And Hotel doors
Dirty beds & dirty sheets.
Sleeping on floors
More.
Because you are more.
Because God loves you and planned to save you.
Do you want out?
You can be free & forgiven.
Cleansed & restored.
No judgement given
Open arms with an open heart
Understanding and comfort
Peace and wellness.
Let this be the last time that love was black and blue to you.
You are beautiful.
And you are loved.