Breathe Again

It has been months since I’ve set out to write but I must say that it has been an interesting & busy few months. Being that it is nearing the end of the year, I have begun to reflect on all 2015 has brought. It’s had alot of heartache, but it has also had a lot of long awaited answered prayers, a growing into self, & letting go of meaningless stresses.

I feel as though I’ve been coasting along lately. From family tragedies to break ups, to crazy experiences, to betrayal, to healing, closure, love & forgiveness. I haven’t been speeding OR on pause. Just coasting. Rolling with the punches & accepting that God desires to use me despite my many, many, many, many shortcomings, mistakes & imperfections. Perhaps I judge myself too harshly. Expecting to be better all the time but I’m not. I’ve learned to speak less, share less. Listen more & to be extremely selective & attentive.  To listen to my spirit, when God whispers something to me that ultimately changes a situation or person from night to day, or something about a person but to know when or if to tell them. I’ve learned to not forsake that inner discernment, that inner “knowing”. I’ve learned to be in the moment, to just let things happen as they do, no expectation or anticipation. To be open to anything, to any adventure, any opportunity. To flow. I’ve had to let go of things, thoughts, judgments & people for my health. Some things & people in our life are just there to add more anxiety to our lives.  Worrying is a killer.   Not everyone cares like they appear to, not everyone is genuine with their words to us.  In fact, most actually don’t care & if we aren’t wise, we’ll share our hearts with mouths of running water & cold hands.

Through it all, I still see God remind me of His undying love for me. Tiny moments that remind me God is working & although the road may be tough, His blessings, His favor & His grace follow me. NO MATTER WHAT. I think the person that looks down on me the most is MYSELF & I’m not afraid to admit it because I know I’m NOT the only one. I know we all share similar struggles. I refuse to stay quiet about my imperfections & struggles because someone out there needs authenticity. They need raw truth. They need to know they’re not alone. They need to know someone cares because they can relate. They need to know that they’ll get through it. They need to know that they’re gonna be ok eventually.  This is why I write. This is why I share. Compassion & the Love of God are two things that I know I can give easily.

So I say to you, dear reader, flow. Remind yourself to breathe. Life is a learning experience, so might as well enjoy the ride!  As my good friend always tells me “just Relax Amanda.”   Then, I remember, “oh yeah, that’s right. Relax. Less stress. Don’t worry.” And I put my shoulders down & breathe. 

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Two wrongs don’t make a right.

These last few months have been pure growth. What have I learned? Just because someone is very friendly and nice to your face means nothing.  Don’t be stupid and share your past with someone you hardly know. NO MATTER how trustworthy they seem to you. Even if it’s someone you see as a mentor. Nope. Shut it down.
Last year, I made the horrible mistake of sharing something that I should have never shared. As coincidences had it, I met the brother of this so-called friend at MY brother-in-Laws’ bday party. Turned out, he was one of his best friends. A month later, this guy says he couldn’t stop thinking of me since we met at the bday party. So he manages to find me via Facebook & immediately asked me out on a date. Quick much? Yes!!!!  So I obviously turned him down but I WAS still interested. He was a nice guy. Things were great. UNTIL I made the mistake of telling his sister (my supposed friend).  After many months passed, I finally find out what I suspected all along- he told me that his sister told him a bunch of stuff about me. For THREE months I kept silent, every time I’d see this “friend” I’d be friendly but I was no longer happy with this person. Yeah, I chose to be nice & pretend like I didn’t know what she did. I pretended like I didn’t know that she sabotaged everything.  I had stopped talking to her brother for about 6 weeks and then, like clockwork, he began trying to get my attention yet again- but at this point I was fed up with pretending & I had come to the conclusion that had it not been for her telling my secrets, I would be with someone that I shouldn’t be with.  I no longer felt the same way about him but those feelings were starting to wake up again & I knew I had to do what I didn’t want to. I set ground rules & told him I would only be his friend and never anything more. Then, at the same time, I also confronted his sister(my supposed friend). I was tired of pretending & ready to close the door to that season, once and for all.  Her reason was “he needed to make a well-informed decision” & backed it up with “don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same for your siblings” aha! Well played! However, two wrongs have never made anything right. I got to thinking and realized, she has a point but only within reason. IF my past was ALSO my present, then, Sure- tell- but this in fact was not a current thing & what made matters worse, she even made up stories to make me appear to be worse than I was & am. Hmmm… OK can I just point out that he came back 2 times? Because he must have missed me, right? So yeah, I admit to my mistakes but she surely will keep hers justified. That’s fine by me. Somehow it’s ok to royally hurt someone who looked up to you & trusted you? To make up stories? Who are you? Really? You appear to be a super happy person to everyone you see, but are you really happy? Genuinely? Does it make you feel better about yourself when you cast judgement, lies, hypocrisy & gossip? Is that really all you have to do in life? I really, I mean REALLY thought you were an intelligent, confident, successful & genuinely happy human being. However, truly happy & intelligent people don’t waste their conversations talking about other people.  Why? Because they have more important things to fill their life with.   This facade you carry on will eventually trip you up. The mask you wear will eventually fall off & you’ll eventually pay for all the pain & hurt you’ve caused others.  I will leave you where you are because it is NOT my responsibility to take revenge. I just feel sorry for you, I would NOT want to be on the other side of God’s anger- which is actually the reason why I will ALWAYS remain nice to you. I will forgive you no matter how bad it hurts. My responsibility is to love. Eventually I’ll be ok. Yes, I still thank you for speaking but it doesn’t change the hurt that you’ve caused in my heart.  Time heals all things & the truth always reveals itself.

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Unsaid

As odd as it may sound, I am a very trusting person (even tho I only fully trust a handful of people), in that, I believe others to be as I am- who believe in the best even though they know the worst in you. You can present me with the craziest, wildest, most horrifying thing and I will never look at you differently because it’s never my job to judge. I am also a person of my word, when I say I won’t say anything, I mean it. When I tell someone I trust them, it is because I believe their word.  I hate for promises to be broken and I only commit to what I know I can keep. I am a very loving person. Unfortunately, most people do not have the same heart & love as do I. Even more unfortunate, is when you find out that you’ve been outted by the person you least expected.  Yup. It’s a crusher but when you know you have a choice to make- avoidance or accept it and learn from it. Oh how I wish I could have taken the easier route!!!   Things happen in life so we can learn from them, and if you’re hard headed (stubborn like me), that often means learning the hard way. 
So what am I learning? The true meaning of silence is golden.  In short, my life shouldn’t be as open as a book as I’ve allowed it to be…  Because, frankly, words can be turned, flipped and switched (just like the childhood game of telephone)…. Not necessarily by the person who opened their mouth, but the person to which those ears who heard belong to!!  Oh Gossip. You are so juicy, but you cause so much trouble & death to many friendships!   Sounds a lot like the apple Eve ate in the garden of eden, huh? Or really, sin in general. Sin feels good but in the end?  Well, let’s not go there, shall we?!  The truth of the matter is, it all comes down to our mouth. We hold the power of life and death in our tongue. That for me, is a new realization- am I unknowingly self-sabotaging by sharing things with the wrong people? Perhaps.  So, here’s to selective sharing from here on out!
Until next time,
Amanda