It has been over four months since I last wrote, I sort of fell off the grid there, didn’t I?! Well, alot has happened since the beginning of 2016. I made a very difficult decision on NYE to cut ties once and for all with a certain somebody.
Since then, I have gone through a surge of emotions from anger to sadness & was tempted to start talking to someone else but this particular person has been in my life for years, so they don’t deserve to be a rebound. They deserve a whole me, a ready me. Yet, here April is already in mid shift and I find myself, still, not over that OTHER person.
Maybe it is all of the “could haves”, “what could have been”, “if only”…. But recently I came across a song that couldn’t have been more perfect, talking about all of the “if only’s”, but sadly not in this lifetime. Maybe it’s because this time last year was when it all began. When my world was shaken & for the life of me, I still don’t know why I chose to let my walls down for them. My walls are so thick, one can almost sense they are present. But this person- got through. It wasn’t even just a little bit, but slowly through the months, he crept in further inside my heart & in the end, there was nothing to show for it but wasted time. Wasted months & an ignored God. My God. Because he broke through so much that I began to not care. I chose it all, I take my 50% blame in the game I played. I am not an innocent victim, I am the one who let him into my life.
So here I am, in the midst of repair & regaining my relationship with God day by day. Each day does get better, but some days he still crosses my mind. Here, another point in time through the years is this other person I’ve always known- but again, timing is off. Maybe not ever.
Honestly, I am at a point to where, maybe I should give up on this “waiting game” maybe, sadly, love isn’t for me. Maybe. Because that is what I see, demonstrated through all the relationships that have fallen away. Maybe…maybe I am just too hurt. Maybe, I must forgive myself first & learn to let go, to forgive & move forward. Yes. That is exactly what I need to do.
Until next time,
It’s still not easy, but, if what happened hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been awakened to things of which I was once asleep to. So, in an odd and weird way, thank you.
Some things I’ve learned:
-When you have people in your corner (that love you deeply and root for you) that point out red flags in people or situations, DON’T brush it off. They obviously have wisdom and discern something that you don’t! Unfortunately, I brushed it off and had to see it for myself, which also came along with some hurt.
-What’s from God will never come in a rushed manner because if it’s a forever thing, why rush anything?
-What may seem like it’s everything you ever wanted, may just be a DISTRACTION.
-Don’t be so quick to think you’re ready, if the rest of your life isn’t put together.
-“Loose lips sink ships”, so goes the same as smooth words to the ear. Actions speak louder than words!
-God truly DOES know the desires of our heart, if the package is in the wrong wrapping paper, than it’s probably not yours!
In the rush of life, and the day in age in which we live- society molds our brains to think that at a certain age we should settle. At a certain age we should be married, have a career and so on…. but when the time is right, the time will come. Enjoy your single life while you can, one day that man made just for you will show up- but will you be ready?
I recently experienced some, what one might call, “freaking out” when a man came into my life that seemed to match everything on my list. I wasn’t expecting or looking for it, but neither was I ready ! Hence, the reason why I freaked out. My heart wasn’t ready nor was my body but everything within me wanted to just go for it, just dive in to the relationship. Why? Because I was on the verge of becoming 28 years old and hadn’t been in a relationship for about 4 years. When everyone’s approval of this quickly blossoming relationship shouted louder in my ears than the whisper that was in my spirit- Who’s to say “he” isn’t the one, who’s to say he is? I had to make a difficult decision, face the truth- I wasn’t ready. I still had healing to recieve in my heart, I still needed to be fully complete within myself. Don’t be afraid to put that possibility on hold, if it’s meant to be, it will be. Focus on YOU. You are what’s worth it, put your time and effort into you because you deserve it. That’s my focus, learning me. When you know your worth, you won’t settle for a bargain deal- because only the best, deserve the best!
Don’t settle baby girl!!