Late night thinking when I should be asleep…
My journey isn’t a temporary journey, it’s a permanent journey. I’m a lifer. I’m in it for life. This isn’t a diet or “let’s do this until I get smaller.” NO. As I get closer and closer, stronger and stronger, healthier and healthier- I ponder on the “what if.”
Many of the people I follow on instagram (myheart_in_ink) have weight loss success that began as complete unhealthy & obese people. Now, they are coaches, nutritionists, teachers or trainers. I can’t help but think, what if that was meant to be my future all along? What if that fire that burns within me isn’t just for now? Because it isn’t and I know that my goals have changed because I finally believe that I can reach even further longterm goals. This is beauty. Beauty because I once was that girl afraid to set any goal because she feared she wouldn’t be good enough anyways, she failed in her mind before she even took a step. It took a lot to get here. It hasn’t been easy and yes, I still have fears but I’m not afraid to envision myself as a really fit, beautiful inside and out, confident woman of God running after God’s heart. I’m in progress. I’m not afraid to see myself so confident that I do not care that all eyes are on me, waiting on my direction. I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I was when I woke up this morning and that means something. The thought isn’t as overwhelming as it once was. What if? What if I was so chained down by fears, blinded by unbelief, addicted to self-comfort and fake smiles that my true calling was hidden, better yet; buried beneath it all?
The mind truly is a battlefield, we truly do fight fights no one knows nothing about and its with the person between our ears! Obviously, all of this isn’t visible, it’s all what’s in our heart and head.
A few weeks back, God showed me a dream that I was giving birth and I thought about it for several days after, until suddenly God said “your dreams are being birthed”. Then I was reminded of what He showed me 2 months ago, and it all clicked. No, I don’t know EXACTLY what’s ahead, but that’s the beauty of trusting God. In July, I felt as tho I was taking a leap of faith, stepping out onto water, the unknown. I no longer fear the unknown, I just go, trusting that God is clearing my path, with just enough view ahead, while He holds my hand. I am OK with that and I am at peace. I know that it has gotten better and it does get better from here! Keep going, whoever you are and whatever your path is. You’ve got what it takes!
Until next time,
Through these last several months, my journey hasn’t soley been about my health, but also about wellness- in mind, body & spirit. In June, I was awakened to how bound by fear I was, more specifically, fear of Failure. As of recent, another big one has been surfaced- one in which I am sort of embarrassed to even say- BUT I’ve got to be transparent, because anything left in the dark, will remain, but what’s brought to the light, will be dealt with. The Fear of Rejection.
This one has haunted me, again, all my life. So many of my reactions & responses to people I truly care about have been rooted from the fear of rejection- these reactions and responses I am oblivious to, I do it habitually not even knowing until someone tells me. When it comes right down to it, it is annoying. It’s like always trying to escape from something that just won’t budge. Being that it has been built in me, my every thought, word, body language and even actions come from it. It’s literally like being tangled up in something and it’s blinding- because you won’t even realize your working out of it, it’s second nature.
So to those that know me personally, I want to apologize, and please bare with me as I journey through this- this too I shall be free from!!
This isn’t an easy feat- but I know God is my helper, my deliverer and my healer. I bet He’s waited for this day for me to see it, be tired of it and want to be free. Whew. Here goes to stepping on some more fear, FEAR WILL NOT WIN!
Until next time,
An opportunity has been presented to me and want to know the truth? I’ve been avoiding anything that has to do with it… but today, after being asked yet again, I had to self-evaluate. Why am I acting this way? Why do I feel as tho I’ve stopped breathing and my heart has sunk to my stomach? The answer came so clearly, “because I’m scared”. Wow. As I felt that truth ring through, I saw that conquering our fears are often alot like an addict’s first step: admitting to thier addiction. I had to acknowledge the specific fear…. and ask, “why am I scared of this?” The answer? Because I’m afraid that I’ll fail & do not know enough… as if I’m unknowledgeable of this particular thing. What if that fear is just an imaginary wall I’ve just set up inside my head? Because staying where I’m at is safe, while stepping out and taking on more responsibility is what I’m destined for but I’m holding myself back….because “I’m scared”.
I remember years ago when this opportunity was just a “maybe, one day, but I don’t think so” and suddenly it’s become a reality and I’m the only one on the verge on turning my own dreams down? What is it with self-sabotaging and fear of failure? My whole life, bound by fear of so much, being fed that I was destined to be a failure all my life….
I am so thankful to be at a place that I am recognizing those fears, and putting them where they belong- Beneath me. So, I may be scared to death and I may not have a clue how I’m gonna do it, but I have to trust that the person asking this of me is only doing so, because it’s finally time.
I know that God has so much planned for me to do in this life and alot of it, I am afraid of!!! These things, I am wholeheartedly passionate for, all the more reason for me to push. We can’t ever enter into greatness if we’re too comfortable staying small! Until next time,
No one can make you do it. The only excuse holding you back is you.
I was the girl who had a sea full of excuses, and those excuses were rooted in fear. I didn’t want to try because I thought I couldn’t do it, because I thought I’d fail anyway, because I believed the lies inside my head. I allowed the unknown to leave me complacent in life, unbeknownst to me, literally BOUND by fear. I believed I wasn’t deserving of good things, of treating myself as one who deserved the goodness of life.
Despite my beliefs and relationship with God, I was still tangled up by the lies and roots of all I was ever told as a child. Never tell your child anything negative about themselves- YOU are molding thier definition of self. It’s the most difficult thing to break out of and rebuild, don’t do it. Love your children no matter how many horrible things they do. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS believe the best, have faith, let your words be full of life, love and encouragement. I know what it is to be bashed by your parents words. It’s horrible.
So, today, choose life, not just in how you live, but in WHAT you speak. It begins with our thoughts, not everything that runs through our brain is true! Some of it is rooted in fear- fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success etc etc… The battle truly begins in our mind, and IF we can filter out the negative, then what comes out of our mouth will be life giving. Whether it be words and beliefs of your ability OR to a loved one. Our words are so vital to our success or failure. If you don’t believe in yourself from the beginning, then you’ve already failed. You ARE capable.
You ARE smart. You CAN do whatever you put your mind to. Believe that it’s possible, and for myself, I rely not on my strength, but God’s. It is truly through Him that I can do anything, and He is the ONLY reason why I’ve been able to do this. So, so, SO many times my thoughts got in the way!! I prayed that God would send help my way, not just his supernatural strength, but people. People that are hands, feet and mouthpieces for God- He sent me 2 people. How do I know that they’re Heaven sent? Because I didn’t know either of them before I began the journey to a healthy me. I began the journey, I prayed and there they were. I’m so thankful for them, I can’t even begin to explain! Ha. Well, until next time,
We fear the unknown. What our human experience has yet to endure, areas yet untapped, an area that we can’t control because we know nothing of what this unknown beholds. Perhaps, perhaps we are meant to relinquish our control of “life” and just go.
This goes out to those afraid to try, to those so afraid of failure that they’ve already hit failure just because they never tried. This goes to those that tried to control the future by thinking up what could happen and just get scared to start. JUST LET GO. Scary isn’t it? Like stepping out on the water, what if you fall? Who cares! If you do, that’s ok, at least you can say you tried, and you can get back up again! I speak for myself, I have experienced all this, I have felt all this, thought all this. After months of breaking into the new me, I am finally at the point of not being afraid to fail. Our failures are part of our success and failure is what we learn from. Life should always be full of learning, we’re never to old to learn something new. So, if I fail, eh, who cares, it’s not gonna stop me. When a baby is learning to walk, how many times do they fall before they get it right? When they do get it, do they take off running or take ONE step at a time? We adults can learn something from babies. They always get back up no matter how many times they fall- tiny in stature but full of determination and focus to eventually walk! So, let’s conquer our fears, step on em, use them to your advantage. That’s what I’m doing, one step at a time… and it’s working!! Until next time,
Some update as to my life in the last 2 weeks:
I made a leap of faith by choosing to do a detox, which I was scared to do, but I did it anyways. I made myself accountable to a couple of people, in which I was also scared to do. I broke up with food, meaning, I literally got rid of all the fake, perservative-filled, sugar-filled foods. This was the most difficult thing I’ve done, it took me by surprise how hard it was to do. I didn’t realize how connected I was to food! I kid you not, I cried. Yes, I cried. I was scared to do this too, so many fearful thoughts ran through my head as I put everything in a bag for charity. I did it anyways. I knew I deserved this. You know what? I don’t regret it, and I am happier and healthier today because of it. Another thing that’s happened, I chose to dream again. Yes, dream. Upon having a deep convo with my friend (also my health coach), I chose to dream big. Maybe the dream isn’t so huge now that I’ve accepted it, but at first, I felt like I was so underqualified and undeserving that my goal at hand seemed out of reach! I’ve also chosen to stand strong when people I love question my actions in regard to my health journey. I always used to be the person that cared too much about others oppinions. God’s approval is all we need! This also was a difficult choice. I cannot believe the amount of things that have happened in so short of time, and how much I’ve grown. Since making my first blog, and embarking on this journey full speed, I have lost 17+ lbs total and many inches. Since doing the detox and clean eating, as well as incorporating Zumba (my fav!), that’s where most of the weight dropped, about 10lbs of it! Why? Because I chose to step on that fear and used it to get closer to my goals. Had I not stepped out, I wouldn’t be as far as I am today. You know what else? Doing what’s right for you and feeling good about yourself enables you to show love to others. In the past, I was always a funny, bubbly person- when I wanted to be, which wasn’t all the time. Because I am loving myself, I can truly be a voice to other people. I am astonished at the people that are inspired by me- ME! This girl!
So, I say today, LOVE YOURSELF. do what you love. ACCEPT yourself. Trash all the negative thoughts in your head and replace them with God thoughts, of how wonderful you are. We cannot be the change we wish to see if we don’t first work on our inner being. Do what makes you happy, and thrive on it. Stay focused and stand your ground. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Refuse to make self-sabotaging moves. Step on that fear that’s holding you back, do it afraid!! Life is what you make it, don’t let it pass you by!
When I’m super tired and I favor my sleep over getting up, that’s one more missed opportunity, one more self-sabotaging move. I refuse to keep a treadmil-like life, going but never getting. #Thistime I’m moving forward, I refuse to make old choices. Sleep can wait.
So glad I made it to #Zumba this morning. If you don’t count it a priority, then you’ll always be making excuses why you didn’t go.
I realized IF I don’t count working out/Zumba as a priority, then I’ll always be making excuses why I didn’t do it.
I know some people may not understand the importance of Zumba to me- I have to look at the money I put into it is an investment to the future me. In order for me not to stay stuck like I was, I’ve got to do it. Even if that means that people I love question it.
This is me moving in forward motion, this is me knowing that I deserve this.
I’ve prayed about it, “God how am I gonna work out now that I’ve moved here?”. I was drawn to dance during our easter production prep, but I didn’t get it. Then, my step-mom invited me to Zumba one day. Now I’ve realized, God was telling me Zumba is my answer. That’s what zumba is, it’s dancing.
I have since parted from your actions and immature ways, however, you seem to have left your mindset of failure and fear here with me. I have been using it this whole time because I didn’t realize it belonged to you. So familiar this mindset was to me, I didn’t realize how debilitating it has been to my life. Causing much unnecessary chaos, stress and doubt in life.
It’s time, old self, that you take your mindset back. I want to not fear goals, I want to know that no goal or dream is too big for me. This mindset is all you have known, and it used to be all I knew too. This mindset has kept us linked together and it’s way past due that we sever our ties. So, take your exceptance of complacency, your file cabinet of excuses, your inconsistency, your will to control something except for yourself, and your treadmill of going and never getting. I’m done with it. I desire to finally move forward.
This is the year that I treat myself for who God says I am, not for who I used to be and what, you, old self deserves. I am deserving, I am worthy of the goodness of God. I am deserving of the ability to dream, the freedom to make a goal. You know what else, I AM CAPABLE!!!!
Sincerely, the real me.