Acceptance

Maybe I have had this for a lot longer

But it was dormant

Obtainable

Deniable

The cause, however, of much issue

The roots, miles deep

And even though, I have survived through my own life

I has been hard to keep happiness by my side.

It is no wonder that I had to “fake it till I made it” through most of my life

Just a smile, but inside, I am wishing I didn’t have to speak.

My heart will give and give and give

Until I am left empty-handed.

I never thought much of it, I just assumed that was how life was

That this struggle I battle inside my own head was just a life-sentence

I recently had to come to some acceptance

I had to choose to remove the eye mask and come to the realization

THAT  I  NEEDED  HELP .

I had to realize that I have spent years trying to do it on my own,

Trying to make this “depression” go away on its own.

I only kept self-sabotaging myself, over and over.

The expected self-reaction, always disappointed and frustrated with myself.

This is a season stripped down, of all the added things

Keeping up with only the bare minimum

So that I can face this head-on

And focus on healing that hurt little girl that affects my daily choices

It’s time for some major self-care

It’s time to do some deep cleaning, time to scrub the walls and the floors

All the corners and cracks.

To be successful, I have to admit that I need a little help.

I have to accept that not only do I deal with anxiety, but also depression.

I will be okay, I will overcome this

I wish I could say I won’t need help for the rest of my life,

Only God knows and only with God’s help can I do this.

The first step to freedom, is Acceptance.

 

Advertisements

Streets

Late nights
Street lights
Walking the line & and say you’re fine
Going through to get through
Laying down
Opening up
Paying out
For money that’s not even yours
Hiding not to get caught
But to be caught may be your answer out
Do you want out?
As if happiness is found in giving away what you wish was still yours
Don’t play that game
I know you wish there was more
More than this rugged life that caught you up
Being controlled
As if bruises were equal to the amount of love you get?
When did black & blue become the definition of love?
When did blood become ok to spill,
“Because I care” they say.
“Because you’re mine” they say
“Because I love you” they say
“Because I’m all you got” they say
“Because no one else wants you” they say
“Because you deserve it” they say.
When?
When did pain equal love?

I can think of a time.
A man innocent
Took the blame
Did it anyways
Betrayed
Slandered
Wrongly accused
Mocked
Spat on
Beaten
Beaten so badly that the flesh on his back was torn
Nails straight through his hands and feet Stuck on two pieces of wood.
Dying.
Dying to save
Because that was the time that blood spilt equalled love
FOR YOU.
He took the beating so that you didn’t have to
Because He saw your beginning from end
Sending His son to rescue you.
If ever love equalled pain, it was on the crucifixion.
He took it all so you could be free
So you could have more
More than the streets
And Hotel doors
Dirty beds & dirty sheets.
Sleeping on floors
More.
Because you are more.
Because God loves you and planned to save you.
Do you want out?
You can be free & forgiven.
Cleansed & restored.
No judgement given
Open arms with an open heart
Understanding and comfort
Peace and wellness.
Let this be the last time that love was black and blue to you.
You are beautiful.
And you are loved.

Breaking Away

Through these last several months, my journey hasn’t soley been about my health, but also about wellness- in mind, body & spirit.  In June, I was awakened to how bound by fear I was, more specifically, fear of Failure.  As of recent, another big one has been surfaced- one in which I am sort of embarrassed to even say- BUT I’ve got to be transparent, because anything left in the dark, will remain, but what’s brought to the light, will be dealt with. The Fear of Rejection.

image

This one has haunted me, again, all my life.  So many of my reactions & responses to people I truly care about have been rooted from the fear of rejection- these reactions and responses I am oblivious to, I do it habitually not even knowing until someone tells me. When it comes right down to it, it is annoying. It’s like always trying to escape from something that just won’t budge. Being that it has been built in me, my every thought, word, body language and even actions come from it. It’s literally like being tangled up in something and it’s blinding- because you won’t even realize your working out of it, it’s second nature.
So to those that know me personally, I want to apologize, and please bare with me as I journey through this- this too I shall be free from!! 
This isn’t an easy feat- but I know God is my helper, my deliverer and my healer. I bet He’s waited for this day for me to see it, be tired of it and want to be free. Whew. Here goes to stepping on some more fear, FEAR WILL NOT WIN! 
Until next time,
Amanda

Freedom

While playing piano on Sunday, it came to me- I refuse to live the rest of my life living in fear.  I’m done being bound by these invisible chains that never allow me to move forward.
Just the other day, I had with my family what some may call, an intervention.  Definitely not expected and I’m pretty sure it was all planned out. There was a deep wound that goes way back, years and years in the making that has affected nearly every area of my life- the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough.  Slowly everything began to click together. Why it has always seemed like my life has been on a treadmill- going, but not really getting anywhere.  Procrastination to the absolute maximum, even the easiest of things. Self-sabotage, waiting way too long and missing opportunities upon opportunities.  Knowing the right things to do, but never actually doing them. Starting and never finishing.  Believing everything was my fault. Words engraved into the depths of my being since I was young by parents.  Words spoken of lack, failure, a problem, never being good enough, a nobody, not worthy, not deserving of good things.  These were what have molded my reactions, choices, thoughts and words throughout my life. 

image

This was a rude awakening.  I’ve gone through healing from my abusive childhood but what has still stuck with me is fear.  It’s as though all this time, I’ve been blinded and now a light has shined upon the very root of some pretty serious things in my life.  It is a horrible feeling to have all these dreams and goals yet, somehow, never being able to reach them. 
In light of my current goal: finding self, knowing that I’m deserving and worthy- I suppose this realization couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  It is imperative that I know that I know that I know that I know that I am deserving and worthy of so many things, quite alot actually.  This fear goes real, real deep.  I am ready. I am ready for that freedom. I am ready for these chains of fear to be loosed. I am ready. This is the year I come out of hiding. Hiding behind those evil words. Hiding behind those filthy lies. I am so, so, so, SO much more!!!