Every day you amaze me.
With the inner feelings of why?
Why do you love me?
I am so bad.
I make so many mistakes.
I am always fighting.
When I think I’ve really made you mad, you surprise me.
All that exudes is peace.
Deep inside I can’t imagine how someone like you is actually real.
So I search.
I search for a fault,
for a secret,
a second life,
your mistakes at hiding.
I search because
All I have ever known is
Disappointment and rejection.
I fight to hold these walls up still
Because I somehow think that
Someone could never love me like you do,
because I somehow think that there has to be something wrong.
As the days and months go by,
my fight to uphold this wall
is slowly disintegrating.
Your unwavering love is like a warm bubble bath.
The exact ingredient I need.
In this moment
Cuddling in your arms
There’s nothing I would change,
Nothing I want more of,
Nothing I want less of.
There is no hurt.
There is no confusion.
Perfect the way I breathe you in
Perfect the way you hold me tight
Perfect the way your face rests against mine
Perfect the way we breathe
And nothing could ever replace
What I feel inside my soul
The way that I know
That I don’t want this to change
That I know that it won’t change
That this, I want until I breathe my last breath.
In your arms
In your embrace
With the beat of your heart I can hear.
Through ups and downs, I still know
There will always be potholes
Always be cracks in the road
Always be traffic jams
In the road of life…
But with or without you,
That is life in a nutshell.
So I choose to share this road with you
Because, in an imperfect world
Full of chaos
Full of pain
Full of drama,
I still get those moments with you
That are perfect.
These last few months have been pure growth. What have I learned? Just because someone is very friendly and nice to your face means nothing. Don’t be stupid and share your past with someone you hardly know. NO MATTER how trustworthy they seem to you. Even if it’s someone you see as a mentor. Nope. Shut it down.
Last year, I made the horrible mistake of sharing something that I should have never shared. As coincidences had it, I met the brother of this so-called friend at MY brother-in-Laws’ bday party. Turned out, he was one of his best friends. A month later, this guy says he couldn’t stop thinking of me since we met at the bday party. So he manages to find me via Facebook & immediately asked me out on a date. Quick much? Yes!!!! So I obviously turned him down but I WAS still interested. He was a nice guy. Things were great. UNTIL I made the mistake of telling his sister (my supposed friend). After many months passed, I finally find out what I suspected all along- he told me that his sister told him a bunch of stuff about me. For THREE months I kept silent, every time I’d see this “friend” I’d be friendly but I was no longer happy with this person. Yeah, I chose to be nice & pretend like I didn’t know what she did. I pretended like I didn’t know that she sabotaged everything. I had stopped talking to her brother for about 6 weeks and then, like clockwork, he began trying to get my attention yet again- but at this point I was fed up with pretending & I had come to the conclusion that had it not been for her telling my secrets, I would be with someone that I shouldn’t be with. I no longer felt the same way about him but those feelings were starting to wake up again & I knew I had to do what I didn’t want to. I set ground rules & told him I would only be his friend and never anything more. Then, at the same time, I also confronted his sister(my supposed friend). I was tired of pretending & ready to close the door to that season, once and for all. Her reason was “he needed to make a well-informed decision” & backed it up with “don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same for your siblings” aha! Well played! However, two wrongs have never made anything right. I got to thinking and realized, she has a point but only within reason. IF my past was ALSO my present, then, Sure- tell- but this in fact was not a current thing & what made matters worse, she even made up stories to make me appear to be worse than I was & am. Hmmm… OK can I just point out that he came back 2 times? Because he must have missed me, right? So yeah, I admit to my mistakes but she surely will keep hers justified. That’s fine by me. Somehow it’s ok to royally hurt someone who looked up to you & trusted you? To make up stories? Who are you? Really? You appear to be a super happy person to everyone you see, but are you really happy? Genuinely? Does it make you feel better about yourself when you cast judgement, lies, hypocrisy & gossip? Is that really all you have to do in life? I really, I mean REALLY thought you were an intelligent, confident, successful & genuinely happy human being. However, truly happy & intelligent people don’t waste their conversations talking about other people. Why? Because they have more important things to fill their life with. This facade you carry on will eventually trip you up. The mask you wear will eventually fall off & you’ll eventually pay for all the pain & hurt you’ve caused others. I will leave you where you are because it is NOT my responsibility to take revenge. I just feel sorry for you, I would NOT want to be on the other side of God’s anger- which is actually the reason why I will ALWAYS remain nice to you. I will forgive you no matter how bad it hurts. My responsibility is to love. Eventually I’ll be ok. Yes, I still thank you for speaking but it doesn’t change the hurt that you’ve caused in my heart. Time heals all things & the truth always reveals itself.
I used to say “I’m patiently waiting”, but today it hit me- why should I be waiting? Waiting around…. Aka loosing precious time that could be used to develop oneself even more so. Why should I be in hopes for something that I really just like the idea of and really just can’t wait for some things that really aren’t as important as we as humans make it out to be. How can I truly enjoy my single season by LIVING it if I’m waiting? Why wait? Perhaps it’s just me, maybe I am the only one- but I love the ability to make last minute plans, agree to anything I choose, and to stack my appts/plans back to back without ever having to worry about if that will work for someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe God did not intend for me to be alone, He’s got someone for me, but that is not the season that I’m in yet.
I am in the “love thyself first” season- so why should I let this time escape me by waiting for the next season? I also believe that if I spend time waiting & not living, then I’ve put this season on pause which ultimately means that this season will last longer and longer. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t want to take any chances. What I do know is past experiences with potential mates- in that, I wasted precious time, I was not in the realization of the blessing that being single is. It only comes but once! I was in a rush to be with someone and was more than willing to settle for 5th best or 2nd best. I’d rather live and let that door open on it’s own and enjoy all my friendships. I’d rather be surprised. I’d rather be in a mental/spiritual state to enjoy the process when it comes- because that too, only comes once. At least for me and my future spouse it will only come once- “for better or worse, in sickness & health….til death do us part”
So I won’t wait, I refuse. I vow to LIVE, to enjoy, to be in joy, to love myself, to pursue my passions, to inhale the beauty that God has placed in my NOW life.
Until next time,