Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,
Amanda

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Step on your fears, they’re stepping stones to your dreams

Some update as to my life in the last 2 weeks:
I made a leap of faith by choosing to do a detox, which I was scared to do, but I did it anyways. I made myself accountable to a couple of people, in which I was also scared to do. I broke up with food, meaning, I literally got rid of all the fake, perservative-filled, sugar-filled foods. This was the most difficult thing I’ve done, it took me by surprise how hard it was to do. I didn’t realize how connected I was to food!  I kid you not, I cried. Yes, I cried. I was scared to do this too, so many fearful thoughts ran through my head as I put everything in a bag for charity. I did it anyways. I knew I deserved this. You know what? I don’t regret it, and I am happier and healthier today because of it. Another thing that’s happened,  I chose to dream again. Yes, dream.  Upon having a deep convo with my friend (also my health coach), I chose to dream big. Maybe the dream isn’t so huge now that I’ve accepted it, but at first, I felt like I was so underqualified and undeserving that my goal at hand seemed out of reach!  I’ve also chosen to stand strong when people I love question my actions in regard to my health journey. I always used to be the person that cared too much about others oppinions. God’s approval is all we need! This also was a difficult choice. I cannot believe the amount of things that have happened in so short of time, and how much I’ve grown. Since making my first blog, and embarking on this journey full speed, I have lost 17+ lbs total and many inches. Since doing the detox and clean eating, as well as incorporating Zumba (my fav!), that’s where most of the weight dropped, about 10lbs of it! Why? Because I chose to step on that fear and used it to get closer to my goals. Had I not stepped out, I wouldn’t be as far as I am today. You know what else? Doing what’s right for you and feeling good about yourself enables you to show love to others. In the past, I was always a funny, bubbly person- when I wanted to be, which wasn’t all the time. Because I am loving myself, I can truly be a voice to other people. I am astonished at the people that are inspired by me- ME! This girl!
So, I say today, LOVE YOURSELF. do what you love. ACCEPT yourself.  Trash all the negative thoughts in your head and replace them with God thoughts, of how wonderful you are. We cannot be the change we wish to see if we don’t first work on our inner being. Do what makes you happy, and thrive on it. Stay focused and stand your ground.  Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Refuse to make self-sabotaging moves. Step on that fear that’s holding you back, do it afraid!!  Life is what you make it, don’t let it pass you by!
-Amanda

Dear Old Self

I have since parted from your actions and immature ways, however, you seem to have left your mindset of failure and fear here with me.  I have been using it this whole time because I didn’t realize it belonged to you. So familiar this mindset was to me, I didn’t realize how debilitating it has been to my life.  Causing much unnecessary chaos, stress and doubt in life. 
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It’s time, old self, that you take your mindset back.  I want to not fear goals, I want to know that no goal or dream is too big for me.  This mindset is all you have known, and it used to be all I knew too.  This mindset has kept us linked together and it’s way past due that we sever our ties. So, take your exceptance of complacency, your file cabinet of excuses, your inconsistency, your will to control something except for yourself, and your treadmill of going and never getting. I’m done with it.  I desire to finally move forward. 
This is the year that I treat myself for who God says I am, not for who I used to be and what, you, old self deserves.  I am deserving, I am worthy of the goodness of God. I am deserving of the ability to dream, the freedom to make a goal.  You know what else, I AM CAPABLE!!!!
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Sincerely, the real me.

Freedom

While playing piano on Sunday, it came to me- I refuse to live the rest of my life living in fear.  I’m done being bound by these invisible chains that never allow me to move forward.
Just the other day, I had with my family what some may call, an intervention.  Definitely not expected and I’m pretty sure it was all planned out. There was a deep wound that goes way back, years and years in the making that has affected nearly every area of my life- the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough.  Slowly everything began to click together. Why it has always seemed like my life has been on a treadmill- going, but not really getting anywhere.  Procrastination to the absolute maximum, even the easiest of things. Self-sabotage, waiting way too long and missing opportunities upon opportunities.  Knowing the right things to do, but never actually doing them. Starting and never finishing.  Believing everything was my fault. Words engraved into the depths of my being since I was young by parents.  Words spoken of lack, failure, a problem, never being good enough, a nobody, not worthy, not deserving of good things.  These were what have molded my reactions, choices, thoughts and words throughout my life. 

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This was a rude awakening.  I’ve gone through healing from my abusive childhood but what has still stuck with me is fear.  It’s as though all this time, I’ve been blinded and now a light has shined upon the very root of some pretty serious things in my life.  It is a horrible feeling to have all these dreams and goals yet, somehow, never being able to reach them. 
In light of my current goal: finding self, knowing that I’m deserving and worthy- I suppose this realization couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  It is imperative that I know that I know that I know that I know that I am deserving and worthy of so many things, quite alot actually.  This fear goes real, real deep.  I am ready. I am ready for that freedom. I am ready for these chains of fear to be loosed. I am ready. This is the year I come out of hiding. Hiding behind those evil words. Hiding behind those filthy lies. I am so, so, so, SO much more!!!