Acceptance

Maybe I have had this for a lot longer

But it was dormant

Obtainable

Deniable

The cause, however, of much issue

The roots, miles deep

And even though, I have survived through my own life

I has been hard to keep happiness by my side.

It is no wonder that I had to “fake it till I made it” through most of my life

Just a smile, but inside, I am wishing I didn’t have to speak.

My heart will give and give and give

Until I am left empty-handed.

I never thought much of it, I just assumed that was how life was

That this struggle I battle inside my own head was just a life-sentence

I recently had to come to some acceptance

I had to choose to remove the eye mask and come to the realization

THAT  I  NEEDED  HELP .

I had to realize that I have spent years trying to do it on my own,

Trying to make this “depression” go away on its own.

I only kept self-sabotaging myself, over and over.

The expected self-reaction, always disappointed and frustrated with myself.

This is a season stripped down, of all the added things

Keeping up with only the bare minimum

So that I can face this head-on

And focus on healing that hurt little girl that affects my daily choices

It’s time for some major self-care

It’s time to do some deep cleaning, time to scrub the walls and the floors

All the corners and cracks.

To be successful, I have to admit that I need a little help.

I have to accept that not only do I deal with anxiety, but also depression.

I will be okay, I will overcome this

I wish I could say I won’t need help for the rest of my life,

Only God knows and only with God’s help can I do this.

The first step to freedom, is Acceptance.

 

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Mourning into dancing

A friend of mine recently had a family tradegy, today was their loved one’s “celebration of life”.  I was given the honor of playing piano for the service. Though I’ve never experienced the exact same loss as she, I still knew that hurt all too well. As the evening fell, I thought for sure my workout routine would “make me feel better” and it did, temporarily until I was laying in bed trying to sleep. All I wanted was to sleep- as if that would heal the residue left from a tragedy of my own nearly 9years ago.  As I lay there, scrolling through Facebook, waiting for sleepiness to kick in, I felt God tugging at me, “can we talk?” I finally put my phone down, and almost immediately, I began sobbing.  God was waiting for me to give Him permission to dig out the left hurt that was still lingering. Sometimes, it’s a painful process, but if we never give the hurt to Him, we’ll always be wounded by choice.  It is a wonderful feeling and a release of freedom once we’ve surrendered what’s dear to us.  God only longs to turn our mourning into dancing and our sorrow into joy. Those things that we don’t understand or see what good has come out of it, don’t worry, God will reveal it to you when you’re ready.  So, a ton of snot, a shirt full of tears, and some puffy bloodshot eyes later- (lol) I am in peace. I am so glad I stopped and let God deal with the rest of that deep hurt. It was worth it, and yet another level of freedom!
Until next time,
-Amanda 😘

You Are My Lesson Learned

It’s still not easy, but, if what happened hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been awakened to things of which I was once asleep to. So, in an odd and weird way, thank you.

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Some things I’ve learned:
-When you have people in your corner (that love you deeply and root for you) that point out red flags in people or situations, DON’T brush it off. They obviously have wisdom and discern something that you don’t! Unfortunately, I brushed it off and had to see it for myself, which also came along with some hurt.
-What’s from God will never come in a rushed manner because if it’s a forever thing, why rush anything?
-What may seem like it’s everything you ever wanted, may just be a DISTRACTION.
-Don’t be so quick to think you’re ready, if the rest of your life isn’t put together.
-“Loose lips sink ships”, so goes the same as smooth words to the ear. Actions speak louder than words!
-God truly DOES know the desires of our heart, if the package is in the wrong wrapping paper, than it’s probably not yours!

Freedom

While playing piano on Sunday, it came to me- I refuse to live the rest of my life living in fear.  I’m done being bound by these invisible chains that never allow me to move forward.
Just the other day, I had with my family what some may call, an intervention.  Definitely not expected and I’m pretty sure it was all planned out. There was a deep wound that goes way back, years and years in the making that has affected nearly every area of my life- the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough.  Slowly everything began to click together. Why it has always seemed like my life has been on a treadmill- going, but not really getting anywhere.  Procrastination to the absolute maximum, even the easiest of things. Self-sabotage, waiting way too long and missing opportunities upon opportunities.  Knowing the right things to do, but never actually doing them. Starting and never finishing.  Believing everything was my fault. Words engraved into the depths of my being since I was young by parents.  Words spoken of lack, failure, a problem, never being good enough, a nobody, not worthy, not deserving of good things.  These were what have molded my reactions, choices, thoughts and words throughout my life. 

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This was a rude awakening.  I’ve gone through healing from my abusive childhood but what has still stuck with me is fear.  It’s as though all this time, I’ve been blinded and now a light has shined upon the very root of some pretty serious things in my life.  It is a horrible feeling to have all these dreams and goals yet, somehow, never being able to reach them. 
In light of my current goal: finding self, knowing that I’m deserving and worthy- I suppose this realization couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  It is imperative that I know that I know that I know that I know that I am deserving and worthy of so many things, quite alot actually.  This fear goes real, real deep.  I am ready. I am ready for that freedom. I am ready for these chains of fear to be loosed. I am ready. This is the year I come out of hiding. Hiding behind those evil words. Hiding behind those filthy lies. I am so, so, so, SO much more!!!