Acceptance

Maybe I have had this for a lot longer

But it was dormant

Obtainable

Deniable

The cause, however, of much issue

The roots, miles deep

And even though, I have survived through my own life

I has been hard to keep happiness by my side.

It is no wonder that I had to “fake it till I made it” through most of my life

Just a smile, but inside, I am wishing I didn’t have to speak.

My heart will give and give and give

Until I am left empty-handed.

I never thought much of it, I just assumed that was how life was

That this struggle I battle inside my own head was just a life-sentence

I recently had to come to some acceptance

I had to choose to remove the eye mask and come to the realization

THAT  I  NEEDED  HELP .

I had to realize that I have spent years trying to do it on my own,

Trying to make this “depression” go away on its own.

I only kept self-sabotaging myself, over and over.

The expected self-reaction, always disappointed and frustrated with myself.

This is a season stripped down, of all the added things

Keeping up with only the bare minimum

So that I can face this head-on

And focus on healing that hurt little girl that affects my daily choices

It’s time for some major self-care

It’s time to do some deep cleaning, time to scrub the walls and the floors

All the corners and cracks.

To be successful, I have to admit that I need a little help.

I have to accept that not only do I deal with anxiety, but also depression.

I will be okay, I will overcome this

I wish I could say I won’t need help for the rest of my life,

Only God knows and only with God’s help can I do this.

The first step to freedom, is Acceptance.

 

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Fear

My relationship with fear

life long

I despise you

The cause of many passed opportunities

The cause of so many anxiety attacks

The cause

But also my protection

I remember you used to warn me as a teen

You used to warn me, hanging over me and twisting my stomach

Calling attention to yourself but I never knew why.

I didn’t understand or know who you were

I only knew the feeling of impending doom

That by the end of the day,

I’d be beat

Beat by the fists of his erupting, volcanic anger

Paired with the taste of leather and,

Belt buckles to my purple-welted thighs.

Always my fault.

But it wasn’t.

Though at the time, I was convinced it was my fault

No perfect child was I

But fear stood by my side, became engraved like a shameful tattoo

Somehow you tried to help me, but it never worked.

On days I felt your presence, it only ended badly

In tears, even though there’d be hours of apologies

Still.

Today I realize you were nothing but a poser.

A fake.

You were never there to “protect me”

Only there so that you could dig those gnarly nails deeper into my very being.

So that you could become stronger as I grew weaker

You nasty little fool.

Years and years and years and years and YEARS

Living under your control, my every move and decision,

Every interaction, Every thought.

Until eventually, I began healing.

I began to slowly realize who you were and how much you had consumed me.

As though you knew you were losing strength and I was rising,

You’d attack me.

Throwing me down to the floor with panic attacks, anxiety and depression

Hoping I’d stay on the ground, long enough to erase all the progress I’ve made

Yeah, you used to win.

For years.

This last time though??

Nope.

By far the hardest blow you’ve thrown

Only because I’m on the cusp

The cusp of something greater than I’ve ever been able to be

Getting back up is difficult, but God is on my side

Something you seem to forget,

You can NEVER win against God.

The reason I write this is because I want to break your power

To weaken it even more, one must expose you

I choose to help erase the stigma

Feelings of shamefulness because of the depression

Feelings of embarrassment

All in attempt to cause isolation.

NAH.

You WILL NOT WIN.

Because, today, I CHOOSE TO WIN.

Success is mine.

You are not.

God has not given me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, Love and a SOUND mind.

Today I’m winning.

 

 

 

 

Peacekeeper

This morning I set out to let everyone have their sides & even though I knew the details of another, I refused to add it to my relationship with the other. If no one else does it, then so be it, I’ll be the first!!  It is not worth it in life to let pride have it’s win by refusing to forgive.  Unforgiveness is lethal. It is NOT healthy. It’s death hidden in the heart slowly devouring us!  We miss out on important moments and blessings.  So I say, it stops with me. No more distance. No more he said she said. No more judgements based on another’s false accusation. We’re all human & as humans we’re not perfect. We say and do things we regret, we decorate our “storytelling”, we sit in our pride when we should reach out.  So many times I should have reached out, but no- I didn’t, because I was being my Italian stubborn self.  See, I’m guilty too!! 

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Time is not in our control, our loved ones could leave this earth at any moment, whether we were at peace with them or not. Time does not wait for forgiveness.  From an example that I witnessed, I would hate to know that someone I hadn’t forgave yet had passed away. Because the person I am, I would die inside knowing I didn’t make peace with them.  So, as 4 years have passed since the riff with my grandmother (NOT MY GG), one of the first things I did as I arrived at my GG’s celebration, was to go talk to my grandmother. To make amends. To be the peacekeeper.

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I have seen the pattern of unforgiveness, grudge holding, bitterness, avoidance- whatever you choose to call it- I’ve seen it & I’m sick of it. 
My GG was a role model to many, many, many people, one of which was her healthy lifestyle. She lived life & she moved on. She never held herself up in the past, she ALWAYS lived in the moment. Always. Every single picture I have seen of her reflects her living in the moment- enjoying life as it came.

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Health isn’t just the physical body & food, no, no- not at all!  It is emotional health and mental health- far more important than physical, in my opinion!  
Today wasn’t easy by far, but it needed to happen- what’s necessary is often what’s difficult.  Had I not done it? I would have missed out on a lot today, and I wouldn’t have grown to be a better person because of it. 
So what do I intend on doing now? Attempt to keep in contact with all of my family more (there sure are a lot of us!)  Of course, it must be reciprocated but at least my effort will be there! 
Until next time,
Amanda

What if…

Late night thinking when I should be asleep…
My journey isn’t a temporary journey, it’s a permanent journey. I’m a lifer. I’m in it for life. This isn’t a diet or “let’s do this until I get smaller.”  NO.  As I get closer and closer, stronger and stronger, healthier and healthier- I ponder on the “what if.”
Many of the people I follow on instagram (myheart_in_ink) have weight loss success that began as complete unhealthy & obese people.  Now, they are coaches, nutritionists, teachers or trainers. I can’t help but think, what if that was meant to be my future all along?  What if that fire that burns within me isn’t just for now? Because it isn’t and I know that my goals have changed because I finally believe that I can reach even further longterm goals. This is beauty. Beauty because I once was that girl afraid to set any goal because she feared she wouldn’t be good enough anyways, she failed in her mind before she even took a step. It took a lot to get here. It hasn’t been easy and yes, I still have fears but I’m not afraid to envision myself as a really fit, beautiful inside and out, confident woman of God running after God’s heart. I’m in progress.  I’m not afraid to see myself so confident that I do not care that all eyes are on me, waiting on my direction. I’m not there yet, but I’m closer than I was when I woke up this morning and that means something.  The thought isn’t as overwhelming as it once was.  What if? What if I was so chained down by fears, blinded by unbelief,  addicted to self-comfort and fake smiles that my true calling was hidden, better yet; buried beneath it all?

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The mind truly is a battlefield, we truly do fight fights no one knows nothing about and its with the person between our ears!   Obviously, all of this isn’t visible, it’s all what’s in our heart and head. 
A few weeks back, God showed me a dream that I was giving birth and I thought about it for several days after, until suddenly God said “your dreams are being birthed”. Then I was reminded of what He showed me 2 months ago, and it all clicked.  No, I don’t know EXACTLY what’s ahead, but that’s the beauty of trusting God. In July, I felt as tho I was taking a leap of faith, stepping out onto water, the unknown. I no longer fear the unknown, I just go, trusting that God is clearing my path, with just enough view ahead, while He holds my hand. I am OK with that and I am at peace. I know that it has gotten better and it does get better from here! Keep going, whoever you are and whatever your path is. You’ve got what it takes!
Until next time,
Amanda

From My Heart

What has been upon my heart over this last week, is this:
Our body matters, our body is a gift God gave us, our body is like a house for all that is within us, our body is sacred and should not be treated with disrespect or sabotage. I pray that the reason why you choose to lead a healthy lifestyle IS NOT because society is telling you that you’re fat. Frankly, society can swallow it’s own judgment. Why? Because choosing to lead a healthy lifestyle isn’t about anybody else BUT YOU. If there is ever a moment that you should act selfishly, it should be to care for your body, because you DESERVE IT. Because YOU’RE WORTH IT. Because love cannot abound to others, truly, until you can act out your love to yourself. Love is an action, do for yourself because you love, respect, cherish, and believe in yourself. Words are just like a breeze passing us by, so saying and doing are two comepletely different things.

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Our body is a temple. Envision your house- do you allow just anything or anyone to enter it? Do you prefer that your house is clean, organized and presentable?  I can imagine that like myself, you do not allow just anything or anyone into your house, and you do prefer that your house is clean and presentable. So goes the same for our bodies. Our body is a keeper of what keeps us alive- think about it- heart, brain, lungs, stomache, kidneys, liver, bladder, intestines, bones, blood, muscles, etc etc.

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  If we put “allow” bad things into our body, are we protecting those things which keep us alive or putting them in harms way? Serious way to think about our bodies, huh? 
Although some deceases are genetic, we can still do our part by using wisdom with  what we eat. Our bodies need the proper nutrients in order to function at it’s maxium potential.  Eating healthy isn’t easy and it’s not always fun, and it’s OK to indulge sometimes, but what we do 80% of the time is what matters most.
Find something that works for you that keeps your body moving- a body in motion promotes longevity. If you desire to live a long life, if you desire to see your children grow up, to be around when your grandkids come along and so forth, make the change today. The people who matter the most to you are counting on you to live your life to its fullest,  to make the hard healthy choices today so you can be there for them tomorrow. Choose today.
Until next time,
Amanda

Growth & new beginnings

Alot has happened in the last several weeks! To begin with, I’ve since begun my own ItWorks Business as of last week!!  I have lost a total of 44 pounds as of today, just 6 pounds away from my first goal!!!  I’m fitting into things that I haven’t been able to wear for 7years at least, even my holloween costume doesn’t fit me right anymore from 4years ago- so much for trying to bring that outfit back!  I’ve faced a couple tough decisions, and had to make choices that didn’t make sense to me, but were the right choices.
There are things I’ve had in my heart for years that God planted there, that I have wanted so badly for the time to come, and now is the time it seems!  I have been in awe and suprise that things are actually happening and it’s because I chose to do what I knew was right. So often in life, God will ask something of us, that is of course, a betterment to ourselves, but until we finally obey and do what He’s asked, we won’t see what’s in our heart come to pass!  What we want is possible, but often, we have some growing to do prior to God giving us what we asked for. I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything happening in my life is a product of my obedience and doing what I’ve always known I was supposed to do. For me, it is getting healthy and treating the body He gave me with respect and honor. To honor my body, I must feed it right, keep it hydrated and moving. Most importantly, He needed me to love my body, even in it’s transitional stages. It’s required alot of self-discipline, patience (with myself), and forgiveness (with myself)… fruits of the spirit!  How can we practice those fruits in life, if we can’t practice it with ourselves?   It has been more than a weightloss journey, more than a wellness journey, it’s been an awakening, alertness and awareness of myself.  Being able to identify an issue/feeling/thought/action and seeing the truth. Then, in identifying the truth behind it, I set it straight with what the word of God says. For example, 3 weeks ago, I admitted to a friend that I had difficulty in an area. She was giving me testimonies of how God has worked and I saw the truth behind my issue. Fear. Yes, fear, again!! That little stinker!  I was making a decision out of fear. I’ve made the decision to not let fear rule my life, that fear will not win, so I have since made the mindset change, and God has been showing up even more ever since!!

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The new things in my life, teaching and running a business, do scare me some- but I refuse to be bound and stuck. God’s plans are to prosper me in this life, but if I let fear be my ruler, how will I ever prosper? I won’t. To prosper, I must move forward. To prosper, I must use the fear as a stepping stone. I am capable of so much, but it’s up to me to believe it and move with faith. Faith and fear cannot co-exist!
Until next time,
Amanda

Words: either life giving or to death- choose wisely!

No one can make you do it. The only excuse holding you back is you.

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I was the girl who had a sea full of excuses, and those excuses were rooted in fear. I didn’t want to try because I thought I couldn’t do it, because I thought I’d fail anyway, because I believed the lies inside my head. I allowed the unknown to leave me complacent in life, unbeknownst to me, literally BOUND by fear. I believed I wasn’t deserving of good things, of treating myself as one who deserved the goodness of life.
Despite my beliefs and relationship with God, I was still tangled up by the lies and roots of all I was ever told as a child. Never tell your child anything negative about themselves- YOU are molding thier definition of self. It’s the most difficult thing to break out of and rebuild, don’t do it. Love your children no matter how many horrible things they do. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS believe the best, have faith, let your words be full of life, love and encouragement. I know what it is to be bashed by your parents words. It’s horrible.
So, today, choose life, not just in how you live, but in WHAT you speak. It begins with our thoughts, not everything that runs through our brain is true! Some of it is rooted in fear- fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of success etc etc… The battle truly begins in our mind, and IF we can filter out the negative, then what comes out of our mouth will be life giving. Whether it be words and beliefs of your ability OR to a loved one. Our words are so vital to our success or failure. If you don’t believe in yourself from the beginning, then you’ve already failed. You ARE capable.
You ARE smart. You CAN do whatever you put your mind to. Believe that it’s possible, and for myself, I rely not on my strength, but God’s. It is truly through Him that I can do anything, and He is the ONLY reason why I’ve been able to do this. So, so, SO many times my thoughts got in the way!!  I prayed that God would send help my way, not just his supernatural strength, but people. People that are hands, feet and mouthpieces for God- He sent me 2 people. How do I know that they’re Heaven sent? Because I didn’t know either of them before I began the journey to a healthy me. I began the journey, I prayed and there they were. I’m so thankful for them, I can’t even begin to explain!  Ha. Well, until next time,
-Amanda

Get your priorities straight!

When I’m super tired and I favor my sleep over getting up, that’s one more missed opportunity, one more self-sabotaging move. I refuse to keep a treadmil-like life, going but never getting. #Thistime I’m moving forward, I refuse to make old choices. Sleep can wait.
So glad I made it to #Zumba this morning. If you don’t count it a priority, then you’ll always be making excuses why you didn’t go.
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I realized IF I don’t count working out/Zumba as a priority, then I’ll always be making excuses why I didn’t do it.
I know some people may not understand the importance of Zumba to me- I have to look at the money I put into it is an investment to the future me. In order for me not to stay stuck like I was, I’ve got to do it. Even if that means that people I love question it.
This is me moving in forward motion, this is me knowing that I deserve this.
I’ve prayed about it, “God how am I gonna work out now that I’ve moved here?”. I was drawn to dance during our easter production prep, but I didn’t get it. Then, my step-mom invited me to Zumba one day. Now I’ve realized, God was telling me Zumba is my answer. That’s what zumba is, it’s dancing.