Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,
Amanda

Advertisements

Don’t Wait!

image

I used to say “I’m patiently waiting”, but today it hit me- why should I be waiting? Waiting around…. Aka loosing precious time that could be used to develop oneself even more so. Why should I be in hopes for something that I really just like the idea of and really just can’t wait for some things that really aren’t as important as we as humans make it out to be.  How can I truly enjoy my single season by LIVING it if I’m waiting?  Why wait? Perhaps it’s just me, maybe I am the only one- but I love the ability to make last minute plans, agree to anything I choose, and to stack my appts/plans back to back without ever having to worry about if that will work for someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe God did not intend for me to be alone, He’s got someone for me, but that is not the season that I’m in yet.

image

I am in the “love thyself first” season- so why should I let this time escape me by waiting for the next season? I also believe that if I spend time waiting & not living, then I’ve put this season on pause which ultimately means that this season will last longer and longer. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t want to take any chances. What I do know is past experiences with potential mates- in that, I wasted precious time, I was not in the realization of the blessing that being single is. It only comes but once!  I was in a rush to be with someone and was more than willing to settle for 5th best or 2nd best. I’d rather live and let that door open on it’s own and enjoy all my friendships. I’d rather be surprised. I’d rather be in a mental/spiritual state to enjoy the process when it comes- because that too, only comes once. At least for me and my future spouse it will only come once- “for better or worse, in sickness & health….til death do us part” 
So I won’t wait, I refuse. I vow to LIVE, to enjoy, to be in joy, to love myself, to pursue my passions, to inhale the beauty that God has placed in my NOW life.

image

Until next time,
Amanda

Enjoy Your Season Before It Changes!

image

I once read that we should thoroughly enjoy our single life while we can, because, once the right one comes along, well, before you know it, you’re married. The time of being single is a blessing from God but so many of us fail to gather that LOVE from God, so we still desire a person to be with in our life to get that “love”. We then become ungrateful for such a precious time God has given us…and, without realizing it, we’ve put our preparation time on pause because we seem to think our plans are better than God’s plans for us. I know, I know, that’s harsh- but the truth. How do I know? Because I’ve made the mistake before, and 2 of those times my heart got a lil too involved… so I added unneeded pain to my life. Of course, God is ever patient, loving and forgiving, so He’ll heal what’s hurt. What happens every time we put our preparation time with God on hold? WE PROLONG THE WAIT for the real man of God that He has for us!  To think, that if I had just let God prepare me 4, 5 or 6 years ago- I very well could have been married already! It’s all our choice.
I have to remind myself daily that I’m in preparation mode, I’m being prepared. Like Esther was prepared before she was brought to the king. We’re just like that. How am I being prepared?  I’m focusing on me, doing life for me, learning myself, accepting and fully loving myself. We must be whole beings ourselves before God can bring our spouse to us!  Two halves of people DO NOT make a whole when you come together, why? Because God is who completes us FAR before any man should be in the picture. A man isn’t what completes us. Having a mate is an addition to our life, a blessing, a new level of life. It’s not just about the fact that, “oh, yay, I can have sex now”, sure, that’s a great thing to look forward to but if that’s a focal point, it ain’t gonna work baby, cuz your goals are wrong!  Marriage is on a whole other level, it requires more love, patience and forgiveness  than the amount that we have right now… There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, there’s always going to be ups and downs, just like life itself is filled with ups and downs. If we’re not ready for it, we’ll be one of the ones to “give up” so easily. So, I’d rather wait until God says I’m ready, and when that day comes, will be the day that my spouse is also ready too. Yeah, I’m 28. That doesn’t bother me. A very close friend, who’s like a big sister to me, didn’t get married until she was 35! Guess what? That gives me reason and hope. I’m not worried, and you know what else? I bet if I fully surrender in this prep mode, the process just may go quicker!  However, I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of this season. Knowing that it’ll only come once, I am enjoying it all. All the alone time that I currently love? Yeah… I won’t have so much when I’m married, even further, next to none when I have my kids! So, I’m not in a rush, I am basking in the beauty of being single.
Since I’ve been getting fit and healthy, I’ve very recently (in the last 2wks) been experiencing more “attention”  and, can I just say, IT’S ANNOYING! 
image
Lol, I was at lunch just yesterday with a friend and our waiter was hitting on me! Definitely not used to all that mess. I know, it comes with the territory, but I don’t know how to handle it in the way that God would have me deal with it!  God will show me, I’m sure of it, but it’s moments like that when I throw in a mental reminder to get my eyes back on track.
No man is worth my time if He doesn’t first love God from the depths of his soul, and I mean ACTIONS. Don’t feed me words, words are nothing but wasted air unless backed up by actions. In the beginning of 2014, I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I wanted to stay in it, so did he. Things crashed quickly because we WEREN’T READY. Whether or not that’s who God would have for me or not, doesn’t matter right now. It’s honestly, none of my business at this point in my life. I am happy to say that, he and I are pretty good friends right now, but I had to heal for about 2 months first. If I had just waited, and said no, I would have saved myself the extra hurt. So, I don’t know about you, but I am throwing a party of 1 for as long as I can, cuz this season will be changing soon and I wanna be ready when it comes. Until next time,
Amanda.

Mourning into dancing

A friend of mine recently had a family tradegy, today was their loved one’s “celebration of life”.  I was given the honor of playing piano for the service. Though I’ve never experienced the exact same loss as she, I still knew that hurt all too well. As the evening fell, I thought for sure my workout routine would “make me feel better” and it did, temporarily until I was laying in bed trying to sleep. All I wanted was to sleep- as if that would heal the residue left from a tragedy of my own nearly 9years ago.  As I lay there, scrolling through Facebook, waiting for sleepiness to kick in, I felt God tugging at me, “can we talk?” I finally put my phone down, and almost immediately, I began sobbing.  God was waiting for me to give Him permission to dig out the left hurt that was still lingering. Sometimes, it’s a painful process, but if we never give the hurt to Him, we’ll always be wounded by choice.  It is a wonderful feeling and a release of freedom once we’ve surrendered what’s dear to us.  God only longs to turn our mourning into dancing and our sorrow into joy. Those things that we don’t understand or see what good has come out of it, don’t worry, God will reveal it to you when you’re ready.  So, a ton of snot, a shirt full of tears, and some puffy bloodshot eyes later- (lol) I am in peace. I am so glad I stopped and let God deal with the rest of that deep hurt. It was worth it, and yet another level of freedom!
Until next time,
-Amanda 😘