Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,
Amanda

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Age told her so

*María’s* life began to change. She loved her life but before she knew it, she had a new life that very few knew the details of. She learned quickly to keep her circle tiny & She knew that both worlds couldn’t possibly coincide. Stuck between wanting what was right and behind the thought of settling, that “it would do” and that although not ideal, she was willing to go through the drama to have what she wanted. Because this woman, almost ALWAYS got what she wanted. She had a way with her words that seemed to change things in her favor.
She was listening to her age telling her that it’s gotta happen sometime and maybe all of the items on her list weren’t all that important and she chose to ignore the red flags time and time again because she wanted to be wanted. She so badly wanted to be loved like all the others experience. She was envious and refused to let the thought that “maybe she just wasn’t meant for it” could be true or that “maybe she was never meant to be loved that way” “maybe she was never meant to marry” “maybe she wasn’t good enough”. Hmm… Good enough. Isn’t that what we women struggle with in our minds? We’re consumed with the lie that we’re not good enough, or not deserving of such things? That maybe we’re not “cut out for it” or “love isn’t meant for us” when all we really want is to finally be held like everyone else. So, holding hands with compromise, we lower our standards and begin to accept what used to be unacceptable to us. We begin to break our own rules because, maybe we CAN have it, IF we just give in a little. Yet deep down knowing that it is all so wrong, we push it aside and accept what should sicken us. Slowly somehow dying, our spirit gasping for air- yet we go on. Because age has told us and when all our friends are getting married and having children, yet here we are, still waiting.  Waiting….
When she was once very content in her singleness, somehow one person changed all that and she began to want more than just “waiting”. She wanted what was next and she wanted to make it happen for herself. Disregarding the connection her heart made along the way. Then, she realizes that it’s not too late to back down now, because the real thing is around the corner and she is still entertaining the decoy only her heart might be farther in than it was before. She has a choice to make.  She prays that God would protect her heart but she still hasn’t let go of it, she is still trying to take matters into her own hands if only she’d become fed up & choose to wait just a little while longer. She IS enough. She IS deserving. She IS meant for this but the work must be in God’s hands, not hers. She must surrender it and let go, once and for all.

Dream Again!

As I sit here doing some research into what will one day become a goal accomplishment, I find myself stretching that ability to dream again. Right now, this goal seems reachable BUT will require even more discipline than what I have going now. I’m still not entirely able to wrap my comprehension around one day having the ability to do what I so desire to do. I stop to think, what if, my whole life, just as God knew the plans He would have for me, that so has the enemy?  I believe it to be true. With that said; what if my whole life- obstacles and certain things happened in attempt to permanently block me from one of the things I was made to do in this life? What if?? Then I am reminded of the scripture “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans of good and not of evil, to prosper you and not to harm you” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Here’s another area that God is challenging me to dream in- my finances. God says I’m supposed to prosper in His plans. There’s a new avenue in my life that’s opened up, that I’ve honestly been afraid to take seriously. Not because I don’t care about it, but because it all boils down to the lie of  “I’m not good enough, I’m not deserving of good things”. But all I hear in my spirit is “PLANS TO PROSPER YOU, AMANDA”

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So, is it time to stretch that dreaming?  Let myself dream some more, outside of my fitness goal? To let it reach into my finances?  To take another leap of faith and use that fear as more stepping stones? Is it time to take this opportunity serious? Yes. I say yes.
They say do it afraid, but I always thought that term was stupid… until now. I now understand what it is to “do it afraid”.  It means use that fear, step on it and accomplish what you need to accomplish. Do it anyways.
So, dream again. If you’re already dreaming, dream some more. Life is what you make it, we’re the only ones limiting ourselves in this life. Know that it really isn’t too late and whatever time you feel has been lost, know that God will restore that time to you. Take risks. Be adventurous. Do what you’re passionate about and thrive. Go above and beyond. Push yourself. Dream again!
-Amanda

I thought I could handle being his friend…

Through the past weeks I realized that I really couldn’t handle staying friends with the person who I had feelings for and nearly got into a relationship with. 
At first, I was sure that it could happen but as days went on being around him while with my friends, I found that I’d act different.  Whenever he would act really friendly to another female, I would get jealous!  These ladies were my friends and I knew that there was no way I could allow this type of division to come between us.  Not to mention that I didn’t even have a place to be jealous of anyone!  I had thoughts like- looks like he’s moved on, don’t tell me I got played and cracked open the door to my heart for nothing!

I had to stop right there- I had one more planned event that he was coming to and boy, did I dread it!  However, I smiled and acted like everything was A-ok. 😉 After that night, I began to distance myself.  I stopped messaging him, sending random funny pics, and acknowledging him in public places.  Is it easy?  It gets easier as each day passes but it was very difficult from the get go. I had to realize that even if what ran through my mind proves to be true- THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM! 
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I owed it to myself to let go, I owed it to myself to allow God to heal what little there was/is to heal.  I deserve to shut that door in my life, even lock it up and burn it if I can!  Ok, I kid, I kid! Seriously,  I do deserve to trash all the romantic and futuristic things he said (about a future). 

So, is it possible to stay friends with one that you had a relationship with?
No. Not if you intend on moving on and killing those feelings.  We are worth so much more than to stress and fill our minds with could-haves, should-haves and would-haves!  After all, men turn their feelings off like the flip of a light switch!  So, why should these men take up any more space in our mind when they are no longer deserving to be there?  Our happiness is only being sucked dry for as long as we hold onto someone (or something) that no longer belongs.  So, my goal is to distance myself for as long as needed, (of course, I see him several times a week so I have to at least be cordial & polite) but anything else will not be happening! 

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Until next time! 😁