Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,
Amanda

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I thought I could handle being his friend…

Through the past weeks I realized that I really couldn’t handle staying friends with the person who I had feelings for and nearly got into a relationship with. 
At first, I was sure that it could happen but as days went on being around him while with my friends, I found that I’d act different.  Whenever he would act really friendly to another female, I would get jealous!  These ladies were my friends and I knew that there was no way I could allow this type of division to come between us.  Not to mention that I didn’t even have a place to be jealous of anyone!  I had thoughts like- looks like he’s moved on, don’t tell me I got played and cracked open the door to my heart for nothing!

I had to stop right there- I had one more planned event that he was coming to and boy, did I dread it!  However, I smiled and acted like everything was A-ok. 😉 After that night, I began to distance myself.  I stopped messaging him, sending random funny pics, and acknowledging him in public places.  Is it easy?  It gets easier as each day passes but it was very difficult from the get go. I had to realize that even if what ran through my mind proves to be true- THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM! 
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I owed it to myself to let go, I owed it to myself to allow God to heal what little there was/is to heal.  I deserve to shut that door in my life, even lock it up and burn it if I can!  Ok, I kid, I kid! Seriously,  I do deserve to trash all the romantic and futuristic things he said (about a future). 

So, is it possible to stay friends with one that you had a relationship with?
No. Not if you intend on moving on and killing those feelings.  We are worth so much more than to stress and fill our minds with could-haves, should-haves and would-haves!  After all, men turn their feelings off like the flip of a light switch!  So, why should these men take up any more space in our mind when they are no longer deserving to be there?  Our happiness is only being sucked dry for as long as we hold onto someone (or something) that no longer belongs.  So, my goal is to distance myself for as long as needed, (of course, I see him several times a week so I have to at least be cordial & polite) but anything else will not be happening! 

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Until next time! 😁