Searching for the non-existent fault

Every day you amaze me.

With the inner feelings of why?

Why do you love me?

I am so bad.

I make so many mistakes.

I am always fighting.

When I think I’ve really made you mad, you surprise me.

All that exudes is peace.

Deep inside I can’t imagine how someone like you is actually real.

So I search.

I search for a fault,

for a secret,

a second life,

your mistakes at hiding.

I search because

All I have ever known is

Disappointment and rejection.

I fight to hold these walls up still

Because I somehow think that

Someone could never love me like you do,

because I somehow think that there has to be something wrong.

As the days and months go by,

my fight to uphold this wall

is slowly disintegrating.

Your unwavering love is like a warm bubble bath.

So soothing.

The exact ingredient I need.

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Perfect

In this moment

Cuddling in your arms

There’s nothing I would change,

Nothing I want more of,

Nothing I want less of.

There is no hurt.

There is no confusion.

It’s perfect.

Perfect the way I breathe you in

Perfect the way you hold me tight

Perfect the way your face rests against mine

Perfect the way we breathe

In sync

In harmony

In peace

In love

Perfect.

And nothing could ever replace

What I feel inside my soul

The way that I know

That I don’t want this to change

That I know that it won’t change

That this, I want until I breathe my last breath.

In your arms

In your embrace

With the beat of your heart I can hear.

Perfect.

Through ups and downs, I still know

There will always be potholes

Always be cracks in the road

Always be traffic jams

In the road of life…

But with or without you,

That is life in a nutshell.

So I choose to share this road with you

Because, in an imperfect world

Full of chaos

Full of pain

Full of drama,

I still get those moments with you

That are perfect.

Priceless.

Endless.

Irreplaceable.

Perfect.

Independent Woman

One thing to understand about a woman like me is, I am strong. I will love with my whole heart, as loyal as they come. I am a gem.  The kind of human that you rarely find. I am relentless, stubborn & sure as hell independent. I do what I want, when I want. I lead a good, clean, fairly innocent life, I am no angel but I’ve had my load of hell in life.  I’ve yet to find love and be loved the way I long for but one thing is for sure- you cannot hold me down tightly.  No. Baby, this bird is used to flying. You can’t capture me & expect me to live in a cage- trying to buy my love. Gifts, gestures, words & actions of care are nice, but I don’t intend on being held down.  I need someone to fly WITH me, not after me, following my every move. There is freedom in love. Love has no bounds, no limits. Love believes, love trusts.  Love does not play mind games or control. No.  If that is what you have to offer, then keep walking. It won’t work with this heart. I am a breed of a different kind & it will take a strong spirited man to run in unison with me.  Don’t control me.  Eighteen years stuck in a mental, physical, & emotional prison by the words & actions of my father. No. Heck no.  I am an independent woman who flies freely.  Fly with me, not after me. This is me. And I will not be apologetic about it.  My person is out there, and he will understand deeper than the surface, on a spiritual level.  I’ll wait.

So We Meet Again

It has been over four months since I last wrote, I sort of fell off the grid there, didn’t I?!  Well, alot has happened since the beginning of 2016.  I made a very difficult decision on NYE to cut ties once and for all with a certain somebody.

Since then, I have gone through a surge of emotions from anger to sadness & was tempted to start talking to someone else but this particular person has been in my life for years, so they don’t deserve to be a rebound. They deserve a whole me, a ready me. Yet, here April is already in mid shift and I find myself, still, not over that OTHER person.
Maybe it is all of the “could haves”, “what could have been”, “if only”….  But recently I came across a song that couldn’t have been more perfect, talking about all of the “if only’s”, but sadly not in this lifetime.  Maybe it’s because this time last year was when it all began. When my world was shaken & for the life of me, I still don’t know why I chose to let my walls down for them.  My walls are so thick, one can almost sense they are present. But this person- got through. It wasn’t even just a little bit, but slowly through the months, he crept in further inside my heart & in the end, there was nothing to show for it but wasted time. Wasted months & an ignored God. My God. Because he broke through so much that I began to not care. I chose it all, I take my 50% blame in the game I played. I am not an innocent victim, I am the one who let him into my life.
So here I am, in the midst of repair & regaining my relationship with God day by day. Each day does get better, but some days he still crosses my mind.  Here, another point in time through the years is this other person I’ve always known- but again, timing is off. Maybe not ever.
Honestly, I am at a point to where, maybe I should give up on this “waiting game” maybe, sadly, love isn’t for me. Maybe. Because that is what I see, demonstrated through all the relationships that have fallen away.  Maybe…maybe I am just too hurt.  Maybe, I must forgive myself first & learn to let go, to forgive & move forward. Yes. That is exactly what I need to do. 
Until next time,
Amanda

Breathe Again

It has been months since I’ve set out to write but I must say that it has been an interesting & busy few months. Being that it is nearing the end of the year, I have begun to reflect on all 2015 has brought. It’s had alot of heartache, but it has also had a lot of long awaited answered prayers, a growing into self, & letting go of meaningless stresses.

I feel as though I’ve been coasting along lately. From family tragedies to break ups, to crazy experiences, to betrayal, to healing, closure, love & forgiveness. I haven’t been speeding OR on pause. Just coasting. Rolling with the punches & accepting that God desires to use me despite my many, many, many, many shortcomings, mistakes & imperfections. Perhaps I judge myself too harshly. Expecting to be better all the time but I’m not. I’ve learned to speak less, share less. Listen more & to be extremely selective & attentive.  To listen to my spirit, when God whispers something to me that ultimately changes a situation or person from night to day, or something about a person but to know when or if to tell them. I’ve learned to not forsake that inner discernment, that inner “knowing”. I’ve learned to be in the moment, to just let things happen as they do, no expectation or anticipation. To be open to anything, to any adventure, any opportunity. To flow. I’ve had to let go of things, thoughts, judgments & people for my health. Some things & people in our life are just there to add more anxiety to our lives.  Worrying is a killer.   Not everyone cares like they appear to, not everyone is genuine with their words to us.  In fact, most actually don’t care & if we aren’t wise, we’ll share our hearts with mouths of running water & cold hands.

Through it all, I still see God remind me of His undying love for me. Tiny moments that remind me God is working & although the road may be tough, His blessings, His favor & His grace follow me. NO MATTER WHAT. I think the person that looks down on me the most is MYSELF & I’m not afraid to admit it because I know I’m NOT the only one. I know we all share similar struggles. I refuse to stay quiet about my imperfections & struggles because someone out there needs authenticity. They need raw truth. They need to know they’re not alone. They need to know someone cares because they can relate. They need to know that they’ll get through it. They need to know that they’re gonna be ok eventually.  This is why I write. This is why I share. Compassion & the Love of God are two things that I know I can give easily.

So I say to you, dear reader, flow. Remind yourself to breathe. Life is a learning experience, so might as well enjoy the ride!  As my good friend always tells me “just Relax Amanda.”   Then, I remember, “oh yeah, that’s right. Relax. Less stress. Don’t worry.” And I put my shoulders down & breathe. 

Age told her so

*María’s* life began to change. She loved her life but before she knew it, she had a new life that very few knew the details of. She learned quickly to keep her circle tiny & She knew that both worlds couldn’t possibly coincide. Stuck between wanting what was right and behind the thought of settling, that “it would do” and that although not ideal, she was willing to go through the drama to have what she wanted. Because this woman, almost ALWAYS got what she wanted. She had a way with her words that seemed to change things in her favor.
She was listening to her age telling her that it’s gotta happen sometime and maybe all of the items on her list weren’t all that important and she chose to ignore the red flags time and time again because she wanted to be wanted. She so badly wanted to be loved like all the others experience. She was envious and refused to let the thought that “maybe she just wasn’t meant for it” could be true or that “maybe she was never meant to be loved that way” “maybe she was never meant to marry” “maybe she wasn’t good enough”. Hmm… Good enough. Isn’t that what we women struggle with in our minds? We’re consumed with the lie that we’re not good enough, or not deserving of such things? That maybe we’re not “cut out for it” or “love isn’t meant for us” when all we really want is to finally be held like everyone else. So, holding hands with compromise, we lower our standards and begin to accept what used to be unacceptable to us. We begin to break our own rules because, maybe we CAN have it, IF we just give in a little. Yet deep down knowing that it is all so wrong, we push it aside and accept what should sicken us. Slowly somehow dying, our spirit gasping for air- yet we go on. Because age has told us and when all our friends are getting married and having children, yet here we are, still waiting.  Waiting….
When she was once very content in her singleness, somehow one person changed all that and she began to want more than just “waiting”. She wanted what was next and she wanted to make it happen for herself. Disregarding the connection her heart made along the way. Then, she realizes that it’s not too late to back down now, because the real thing is around the corner and she is still entertaining the decoy only her heart might be farther in than it was before. She has a choice to make.  She prays that God would protect her heart but she still hasn’t let go of it, she is still trying to take matters into her own hands if only she’d become fed up & choose to wait just a little while longer. She IS enough. She IS deserving. She IS meant for this but the work must be in God’s hands, not hers. She must surrender it and let go, once and for all.

Unsaid

As odd as it may sound, I am a very trusting person (even tho I only fully trust a handful of people), in that, I believe others to be as I am- who believe in the best even though they know the worst in you. You can present me with the craziest, wildest, most horrifying thing and I will never look at you differently because it’s never my job to judge. I am also a person of my word, when I say I won’t say anything, I mean it. When I tell someone I trust them, it is because I believe their word.  I hate for promises to be broken and I only commit to what I know I can keep. I am a very loving person. Unfortunately, most people do not have the same heart & love as do I. Even more unfortunate, is when you find out that you’ve been outted by the person you least expected.  Yup. It’s a crusher but when you know you have a choice to make- avoidance or accept it and learn from it. Oh how I wish I could have taken the easier route!!!   Things happen in life so we can learn from them, and if you’re hard headed (stubborn like me), that often means learning the hard way. 
So what am I learning? The true meaning of silence is golden.  In short, my life shouldn’t be as open as a book as I’ve allowed it to be…  Because, frankly, words can be turned, flipped and switched (just like the childhood game of telephone)…. Not necessarily by the person who opened their mouth, but the person to which those ears who heard belong to!!  Oh Gossip. You are so juicy, but you cause so much trouble & death to many friendships!   Sounds a lot like the apple Eve ate in the garden of eden, huh? Or really, sin in general. Sin feels good but in the end?  Well, let’s not go there, shall we?!  The truth of the matter is, it all comes down to our mouth. We hold the power of life and death in our tongue. That for me, is a new realization- am I unknowingly self-sabotaging by sharing things with the wrong people? Perhaps.  So, here’s to selective sharing from here on out!
Until next time,
Amanda

Peacekeeper

This morning I set out to let everyone have their sides & even though I knew the details of another, I refused to add it to my relationship with the other. If no one else does it, then so be it, I’ll be the first!!  It is not worth it in life to let pride have it’s win by refusing to forgive.  Unforgiveness is lethal. It is NOT healthy. It’s death hidden in the heart slowly devouring us!  We miss out on important moments and blessings.  So I say, it stops with me. No more distance. No more he said she said. No more judgements based on another’s false accusation. We’re all human & as humans we’re not perfect. We say and do things we regret, we decorate our “storytelling”, we sit in our pride when we should reach out.  So many times I should have reached out, but no- I didn’t, because I was being my Italian stubborn self.  See, I’m guilty too!! 

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Time is not in our control, our loved ones could leave this earth at any moment, whether we were at peace with them or not. Time does not wait for forgiveness.  From an example that I witnessed, I would hate to know that someone I hadn’t forgave yet had passed away. Because the person I am, I would die inside knowing I didn’t make peace with them.  So, as 4 years have passed since the riff with my grandmother (NOT MY GG), one of the first things I did as I arrived at my GG’s celebration, was to go talk to my grandmother. To make amends. To be the peacekeeper.

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I have seen the pattern of unforgiveness, grudge holding, bitterness, avoidance- whatever you choose to call it- I’ve seen it & I’m sick of it. 
My GG was a role model to many, many, many people, one of which was her healthy lifestyle. She lived life & she moved on. She never held herself up in the past, she ALWAYS lived in the moment. Always. Every single picture I have seen of her reflects her living in the moment- enjoying life as it came.

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Health isn’t just the physical body & food, no, no- not at all!  It is emotional health and mental health- far more important than physical, in my opinion!  
Today wasn’t easy by far, but it needed to happen- what’s necessary is often what’s difficult.  Had I not done it? I would have missed out on a lot today, and I wouldn’t have grown to be a better person because of it. 
So what do I intend on doing now? Attempt to keep in contact with all of my family more (there sure are a lot of us!)  Of course, it must be reciprocated but at least my effort will be there! 
Until next time,
Amanda

The Real World

There’s something to be said of those who have a lived a full life. 100 years.
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This morning I was thinking, wouldn’t it have been a shame to live for so long and to not have accomplished much of anything in life? How many barriers and road blocks did she have to overcome just to get to her goals & dreams? She grew up in a time when women’s rights were fought for, what she had and the positions she held in life- she fought to be there. She never gave up.
Today we live in a world where many things are done for us. Think about it. We don’t have to search high and low for something, just Google it and you’ll find what you’re in search of within seconds. Need a quick answer? Text or instant message someone. Need to speak to someone right this second? Call their cell phone, most likely using your own cell phone! Most people nowadays find house phones an inconvenience and a bill that we can do without. Starving? Pop it in the microwave- yeah, believe it or not, there was a day when those didn’t even exist! On the road and hungry? Go to a fast food restaurant, they’re everywhere. However, not when my GG was growing up!! Food back then was ate naturally. Milk didn’t even have any additives because it was FRESH & would go bad within days. It’d be delivered on your doorstep by “the milkman”.
What does that mean? It means that those that have gone before us had to work twice as hard as we do now if not more. Yet, “life sucks” or “FML” are words one will hear in this generation today. What’s worse, is those who could actually teach us a thing or two, shed some light and give us some wisdom on life- (which is really, anyone older than us) is that we don’t want to hear it, we’d rather walk away in disrespect. Becoming a generation of people who think we’ve all got it in the bag, yet wonder around aimlessly with our eyes glued to our phones. Because, apparently, the answer to all of life’s questions is found in a thin electronic device. Not an actual person with memories and knowledge. Not a human who has probably gone through something similar to us. Oh, and most definitely not someone that has a heart filled with passion and cares. Nope. Apparently words on a screen from a person we don’t personally know on facebook is worth more to us than face to face interaction filled with real emotion. I am guilty of this, trust. When I’m “bored” you’ll see me check my phone, EVEN in the presence of someone standing right in front of me. I know I’m not the only one, because it’s been done to me too. When a virtual conversation, comments, likes, follows, re-tweets, pins, DMs, and snapchats are more important than the person or people right before us. Missing opportunities to get to know and learn and make memories from/with our actual friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances , workout partners & neighbors.
Perhaps the reason why some had the blessing to live a long life, is because they took the time to invest their time into others as well as others choosing to invest their time into them. They gained the secrets of life by listening to those who had answers that they didn’t have themselves. No, those answers can’t be found on Google. Not the one’s that your heart and soul are in search of.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my GG going home, is that we can’t make it on our own, we prosper when we help others prosper. To be much more alert to my REALITY. Sure, social media is great, but when I’m in the presence of a person or persons, I will strive to respect the person(s) and take in the moment. Those moments come only but once. Don’t let something become a missed opportunity for something temporary.
Until next time,
-Amanda

Like A Clanging Symbol

WHAT MATTERS MOST
“Love others as you love yourself”
How can I love others like I love myself if I’m always so hard on myself? Is that really love? But love is patient…. If I’m hard on myself, how is that using patience & equally, how is that loving myself?
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If I truly loved people how I loved myself up until now, my goodness- I’d be no good!  Love would NOT exude from my being & my representation of Christ would be horrendous!  But I do love people. Perhaps, I love others MORE than I love myself?  I am certainly more patient, forgiving & understanding to everyone than I am to myself. So what does that mean? Does that mean that I’m not truly loving Like God commands? Does that mean that all my efforts are like a clanging cymbol because I lack the agape love for myself? Oh my goodness. If this is true, then I have some loving to do!!!!!!!!!!