17 years

Amigas por vida we’d always claim-
But only God knew the future.
I can’t explain to you how much this hurts
I can only hope that you feel the same pain inside your heart too.
A week away seemed like a great idea
I’m beginning to wonder if more time is needed.
I never imagined we’d be here
I’m sure you feel the same.
I don’t want to feel so angry but all I want to do is to be left alone.
You made the decision
I accepted it.
I didn’t fight it or try to make it better
Because I know our end has come.
I’m torn inside
Yet somehow I have to pretend I’m ok.
But healing is painful.
Letting go of a best friend is painful
Beyond words.
Without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re irreplaceable
But we’ve grown
I’ve grown
There are things I wish I could change about how you treated me
But I can only change MY reaction.
What happened was meant to happen
But I can’t help but feel so alone now.
17 years.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I should be.
But I am always changing.
Perhaps the reason behind this fallout
Is simple.
A true best friend accepts all of the many versions of you.
Just maybe.
Maybe you weren’t as genuine as you led me to believe.
Your acceptance and love for me dissipated as who I was began to change.
A true best friend, doesn’t cut off all ties without trying and trying and trying.
But I respect your decision.
I respect it because I know it’s time to say goodbye.
Goodbye to 17 years
Goodbye to the many laughs we shared
Goodbye to the many secrets we held
Goodbye to the tears we shed for eachother
Goodbye and thank you.
Although our time is up, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thankful.
I’m thankful for the friend I had in you.
I’m thankful for all the times you came through
I’m thankful for the countless times you had my back
You will be missed, and I will honestly,
Always have love for you.

Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,

The Real World

There’s something to be said of those who have a lived a full life. 100 years.

This morning I was thinking, wouldn’t it have been a shame to live for so long and to not have accomplished much of anything in life? How many barriers and road blocks did she have to overcome just to get to her goals & dreams? She grew up in a time when women’s rights were fought for, what she had and the positions she held in life- she fought to be there. She never gave up.
Today we live in a world where many things are done for us. Think about it. We don’t have to search high and low for something, just Google it and you’ll find what you’re in search of within seconds. Need a quick answer? Text or instant message someone. Need to speak to someone right this second? Call their cell phone, most likely using your own cell phone! Most people nowadays find house phones an inconvenience and a bill that we can do without. Starving? Pop it in the microwave- yeah, believe it or not, there was a day when those didn’t even exist! On the road and hungry? Go to a fast food restaurant, they’re everywhere. However, not when my GG was growing up!! Food back then was ate naturally. Milk didn’t even have any additives because it was FRESH & would go bad within days. It’d be delivered on your doorstep by “the milkman”.
What does that mean? It means that those that have gone before us had to work twice as hard as we do now if not more. Yet, “life sucks” or “FML” are words one will hear in this generation today. What’s worse, is those who could actually teach us a thing or two, shed some light and give us some wisdom on life- (which is really, anyone older than us) is that we don’t want to hear it, we’d rather walk away in disrespect. Becoming a generation of people who think we’ve all got it in the bag, yet wonder around aimlessly with our eyes glued to our phones. Because, apparently, the answer to all of life’s questions is found in a thin electronic device. Not an actual person with memories and knowledge. Not a human who has probably gone through something similar to us. Oh, and most definitely not someone that has a heart filled with passion and cares. Nope. Apparently words on a screen from a person we don’t personally know on facebook is worth more to us than face to face interaction filled with real emotion. I am guilty of this, trust. When I’m “bored” you’ll see me check my phone, EVEN in the presence of someone standing right in front of me. I know I’m not the only one, because it’s been done to me too. When a virtual conversation, comments, likes, follows, re-tweets, pins, DMs, and snapchats are more important than the person or people right before us. Missing opportunities to get to know and learn and make memories from/with our actual friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances , workout partners & neighbors.
Perhaps the reason why some had the blessing to live a long life, is because they took the time to invest their time into others as well as others choosing to invest their time into them. They gained the secrets of life by listening to those who had answers that they didn’t have themselves. No, those answers can’t be found on Google. Not the one’s that your heart and soul are in search of.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my GG going home, is that we can’t make it on our own, we prosper when we help others prosper. To be much more alert to my REALITY. Sure, social media is great, but when I’m in the presence of a person or persons, I will strive to respect the person(s) and take in the moment. Those moments come only but once. Don’t let something become a missed opportunity for something temporary.
Until next time,