17 years

Amigas por vida we’d always claim-
Right.
But only God knew the future.
I can’t explain to you how much this hurts
I can only hope that you feel the same pain inside your heart too.
A week away seemed like a great idea
I’m beginning to wonder if more time is needed.
I never imagined we’d be here
I’m sure you feel the same.
I don’t want to feel so angry but all I want to do is to be left alone.
You made the decision
I accepted it.
I didn’t fight it or try to make it better
Because I know our end has come.
I’m torn inside
Yet somehow I have to pretend I’m ok.
But healing is painful.
Letting go of a best friend is painful
Beyond words.
Without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re irreplaceable
But we’ve grown
I’ve grown
There are things I wish I could change about how you treated me
But I can only change MY reaction.
What happened was meant to happen
But I can’t help but feel so alone now.
17 years.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I should be.
But I am always changing.
Perhaps the reason behind this fallout
Is simple.
A true best friend accepts all of the many versions of you.
Maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe you weren’t as genuine as you led me to believe.
Your acceptance and love for me dissipated as who I was began to change.
A true best friend, doesn’t cut off all ties without trying and trying and trying.
But I respect your decision.
I respect it because I know it’s time to say goodbye.
Goodbye to 17 years
Goodbye to the many laughs we shared
Goodbye to the many secrets we held
Goodbye to the tears we shed for eachother
Goodbye and thank you.
Although our time is up, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thankful.
I’m thankful for the friend I had in you.
I’m thankful for all the times you came through
I’m thankful for the countless times you had my back
You will be missed, and I will honestly,
Always have love for you.

Independent Woman

One thing to understand about a woman like me is, I am strong. I will love with my whole heart, as loyal as they come. I am a gem.  The kind of human that you rarely find. I am relentless, stubborn & sure as hell independent. I do what I want, when I want. I lead a good, clean, fairly innocent life, I am no angel but I’ve had my load of hell in life.  I’ve yet to find love and be loved the way I long for but one thing is for sure- you cannot hold me down tightly.  No. Baby, this bird is used to flying. You can’t capture me & expect me to live in a cage- trying to buy my love. Gifts, gestures, words & actions of care are nice, but I don’t intend on being held down.  I need someone to fly WITH me, not after me, following my every move. There is freedom in love. Love has no bounds, no limits. Love believes, love trusts.  Love does not play mind games or control. No.  If that is what you have to offer, then keep walking. It won’t work with this heart. I am a breed of a different kind & it will take a strong spirited man to run in unison with me.  Don’t control me.  Eighteen years stuck in a mental, physical, & emotional prison by the words & actions of my father. No. Heck no.  I am an independent woman who flies freely.  Fly with me, not after me. This is me. And I will not be apologetic about it.  My person is out there, and he will understand deeper than the surface, on a spiritual level.  I’ll wait.

So We Meet Again

It has been over four months since I last wrote, I sort of fell off the grid there, didn’t I?!  Well, alot has happened since the beginning of 2016.  I made a very difficult decision on NYE to cut ties once and for all with a certain somebody.

Since then, I have gone through a surge of emotions from anger to sadness & was tempted to start talking to someone else but this particular person has been in my life for years, so they don’t deserve to be a rebound. They deserve a whole me, a ready me. Yet, here April is already in mid shift and I find myself, still, not over that OTHER person.
Maybe it is all of the “could haves”, “what could have been”, “if only”….  But recently I came across a song that couldn’t have been more perfect, talking about all of the “if only’s”, but sadly not in this lifetime.  Maybe it’s because this time last year was when it all began. When my world was shaken & for the life of me, I still don’t know why I chose to let my walls down for them.  My walls are so thick, one can almost sense they are present. But this person- got through. It wasn’t even just a little bit, but slowly through the months, he crept in further inside my heart & in the end, there was nothing to show for it but wasted time. Wasted months & an ignored God. My God. Because he broke through so much that I began to not care. I chose it all, I take my 50% blame in the game I played. I am not an innocent victim, I am the one who let him into my life.
So here I am, in the midst of repair & regaining my relationship with God day by day. Each day does get better, but some days he still crosses my mind.  Here, another point in time through the years is this other person I’ve always known- but again, timing is off. Maybe not ever.
Honestly, I am at a point to where, maybe I should give up on this “waiting game” maybe, sadly, love isn’t for me. Maybe. Because that is what I see, demonstrated through all the relationships that have fallen away.  Maybe…maybe I am just too hurt.  Maybe, I must forgive myself first & learn to let go, to forgive & move forward. Yes. That is exactly what I need to do. 
Until next time,
Amanda

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

These last few months have been pure growth. What have I learned? Just because someone is very friendly and nice to your face means nothing.  Don’t be stupid and share your past with someone you hardly know. NO MATTER how trustworthy they seem to you. Even if it’s someone you see as a mentor. Nope. Shut it down.
Last year, I made the horrible mistake of sharing something that I should have never shared. As coincidences had it, I met the brother of this so-called friend at MY brother-in-Laws’ bday party. Turned out, he was one of his best friends. A month later, this guy says he couldn’t stop thinking of me since we met at the bday party. So he manages to find me via Facebook & immediately asked me out on a date. Quick much? Yes!!!!  So I obviously turned him down but I WAS still interested. He was a nice guy. Things were great. UNTIL I made the mistake of telling his sister (my supposed friend).  After many months passed, I finally find out what I suspected all along- he told me that his sister told him a bunch of stuff about me. For THREE months I kept silent, every time I’d see this “friend” I’d be friendly but I was no longer happy with this person. Yeah, I chose to be nice & pretend like I didn’t know what she did. I pretended like I didn’t know that she sabotaged everything.  I had stopped talking to her brother for about 6 weeks and then, like clockwork, he began trying to get my attention yet again- but at this point I was fed up with pretending & I had come to the conclusion that had it not been for her telling my secrets, I would be with someone that I shouldn’t be with.  I no longer felt the same way about him but those feelings were starting to wake up again & I knew I had to do what I didn’t want to. I set ground rules & told him I would only be his friend and never anything more. Then, at the same time, I also confronted his sister(my supposed friend). I was tired of pretending & ready to close the door to that season, once and for all.  Her reason was “he needed to make a well-informed decision” & backed it up with “don’t tell me you wouldn’t do the same for your siblings” aha! Well played! However, two wrongs have never made anything right. I got to thinking and realized, she has a point but only within reason. IF my past was ALSO my present, then, Sure- tell- but this in fact was not a current thing & what made matters worse, she even made up stories to make me appear to be worse than I was & am. Hmmm… OK can I just point out that he came back 2 times? Because he must have missed me, right? So yeah, I admit to my mistakes but she surely will keep hers justified. That’s fine by me. Somehow it’s ok to royally hurt someone who looked up to you & trusted you? To make up stories? Who are you? Really? You appear to be a super happy person to everyone you see, but are you really happy? Genuinely? Does it make you feel better about yourself when you cast judgement, lies, hypocrisy & gossip? Is that really all you have to do in life? I really, I mean REALLY thought you were an intelligent, confident, successful & genuinely happy human being. However, truly happy & intelligent people don’t waste their conversations talking about other people.  Why? Because they have more important things to fill their life with.   This facade you carry on will eventually trip you up. The mask you wear will eventually fall off & you’ll eventually pay for all the pain & hurt you’ve caused others.  I will leave you where you are because it is NOT my responsibility to take revenge. I just feel sorry for you, I would NOT want to be on the other side of God’s anger- which is actually the reason why I will ALWAYS remain nice to you. I will forgive you no matter how bad it hurts. My responsibility is to love. Eventually I’ll be ok. Yes, I still thank you for speaking but it doesn’t change the hurt that you’ve caused in my heart.  Time heals all things & the truth always reveals itself.

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Somehow

Somehow it happened.
It slipped passed my guards.
But maybe I had my guard down so the moment of attack was easy.
Mixed between who I am yet being drawn in the opposite direction.
Partially fighting my way back out, closing the door yet still enjoying the moments that should never happen
Releasing words that should stay in silence
What is happening?
So indecisive.
Knowing what’s right-
But you are not it, but you’re still here.
Knowing I should close the door
But you’re still there.
Somehow caught up in this complicated game when I said I’d never play games- here I am. 
Why a connection?
No no no. Then it made it worse.
What’s happening?
I keep hoping you’ll leave on your own but silently hope you’ll stay.
But if I let you stay, I might just lose it all.
Somehow.
Somehow it happened.
Somehow I need help,
I pray God will close the door
I am too weak to shut it on my own-
Because I want the door open but who I truly am and am continuing into cannot have an open door to you.
Connection, distance, coincidences, familiarities, commons & mutual friendships
Perhaps not by chance but by purpose but what purpose?
A greater purpose beyond what I see?
Maybe this door was broken into,
Maybe the key didn’t come until later.
Somehow.
Somehow it happened.

You Are My Lesson Learned

It’s still not easy, but, if what happened hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been awakened to things of which I was once asleep to. So, in an odd and weird way, thank you.

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Some things I’ve learned:
-When you have people in your corner (that love you deeply and root for you) that point out red flags in people or situations, DON’T brush it off. They obviously have wisdom and discern something that you don’t! Unfortunately, I brushed it off and had to see it for myself, which also came along with some hurt.
-What’s from God will never come in a rushed manner because if it’s a forever thing, why rush anything?
-What may seem like it’s everything you ever wanted, may just be a DISTRACTION.
-Don’t be so quick to think you’re ready, if the rest of your life isn’t put together.
-“Loose lips sink ships”, so goes the same as smooth words to the ear. Actions speak louder than words!
-God truly DOES know the desires of our heart, if the package is in the wrong wrapping paper, than it’s probably not yours!

I thought I could handle being his friend…

Through the past weeks I realized that I really couldn’t handle staying friends with the person who I had feelings for and nearly got into a relationship with. 
At first, I was sure that it could happen but as days went on being around him while with my friends, I found that I’d act different.  Whenever he would act really friendly to another female, I would get jealous!  These ladies were my friends and I knew that there was no way I could allow this type of division to come between us.  Not to mention that I didn’t even have a place to be jealous of anyone!  I had thoughts like- looks like he’s moved on, don’t tell me I got played and cracked open the door to my heart for nothing!

I had to stop right there- I had one more planned event that he was coming to and boy, did I dread it!  However, I smiled and acted like everything was A-ok. 😉 After that night, I began to distance myself.  I stopped messaging him, sending random funny pics, and acknowledging him in public places.  Is it easy?  It gets easier as each day passes but it was very difficult from the get go. I had to realize that even if what ran through my mind proves to be true- THAT’S NOT MY PROBLEM! 
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I owed it to myself to let go, I owed it to myself to allow God to heal what little there was/is to heal.  I deserve to shut that door in my life, even lock it up and burn it if I can!  Ok, I kid, I kid! Seriously,  I do deserve to trash all the romantic and futuristic things he said (about a future). 

So, is it possible to stay friends with one that you had a relationship with?
No. Not if you intend on moving on and killing those feelings.  We are worth so much more than to stress and fill our minds with could-haves, should-haves and would-haves!  After all, men turn their feelings off like the flip of a light switch!  So, why should these men take up any more space in our mind when they are no longer deserving to be there?  Our happiness is only being sucked dry for as long as we hold onto someone (or something) that no longer belongs.  So, my goal is to distance myself for as long as needed, (of course, I see him several times a week so I have to at least be cordial & polite) but anything else will not be happening! 

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Until next time! 😁