Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,
Amanda

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Breathe Again

It has been months since I’ve set out to write but I must say that it has been an interesting & busy few months. Being that it is nearing the end of the year, I have begun to reflect on all 2015 has brought. It’s had alot of heartache, but it has also had a lot of long awaited answered prayers, a growing into self, & letting go of meaningless stresses.

I feel as though I’ve been coasting along lately. From family tragedies to break ups, to crazy experiences, to betrayal, to healing, closure, love & forgiveness. I haven’t been speeding OR on pause. Just coasting. Rolling with the punches & accepting that God desires to use me despite my many, many, many, many shortcomings, mistakes & imperfections. Perhaps I judge myself too harshly. Expecting to be better all the time but I’m not. I’ve learned to speak less, share less. Listen more & to be extremely selective & attentive.  To listen to my spirit, when God whispers something to me that ultimately changes a situation or person from night to day, or something about a person but to know when or if to tell them. I’ve learned to not forsake that inner discernment, that inner “knowing”. I’ve learned to be in the moment, to just let things happen as they do, no expectation or anticipation. To be open to anything, to any adventure, any opportunity. To flow. I’ve had to let go of things, thoughts, judgments & people for my health. Some things & people in our life are just there to add more anxiety to our lives.  Worrying is a killer.   Not everyone cares like they appear to, not everyone is genuine with their words to us.  In fact, most actually don’t care & if we aren’t wise, we’ll share our hearts with mouths of running water & cold hands.

Through it all, I still see God remind me of His undying love for me. Tiny moments that remind me God is working & although the road may be tough, His blessings, His favor & His grace follow me. NO MATTER WHAT. I think the person that looks down on me the most is MYSELF & I’m not afraid to admit it because I know I’m NOT the only one. I know we all share similar struggles. I refuse to stay quiet about my imperfections & struggles because someone out there needs authenticity. They need raw truth. They need to know they’re not alone. They need to know someone cares because they can relate. They need to know that they’ll get through it. They need to know that they’re gonna be ok eventually.  This is why I write. This is why I share. Compassion & the Love of God are two things that I know I can give easily.

So I say to you, dear reader, flow. Remind yourself to breathe. Life is a learning experience, so might as well enjoy the ride!  As my good friend always tells me “just Relax Amanda.”   Then, I remember, “oh yeah, that’s right. Relax. Less stress. Don’t worry.” And I put my shoulders down & breathe.