Unexpected

At the start of 2015, I had hopes this would be a year of courage & fearlessness. I can’t put the pieces together just yet, but I’m sure somehow, all of what 2015 gave, that those 2 are there…I hope! Ha.
One thing I can say, is I never expected to say goodbye to the people I had to & I most certainly never expected to have the close relationships that I now do.
Sometimes the unexpected is better than what we actually expected. I can’t quite come to peace with the pain 2015 brought but I have to believe that there is blessing in the unexpected.  This year has been a whirlwind sending me into inner-self adventures, to find the peace within. Having to search deeper than before, finding the Holy Spirit as my inner solstice. My constant, my balance in my pain.
2015.
It’s made me tired. It’s made me weary. It’s made me forget the important things. The biggest distraction of all came this year & I can’t tell you how many times I tried to severe ties. I gave up trying to get rid of someone who clearly wants to be a part of my life.  Yet, somehow, still, I always reach back to my one true constant. God.  I can’t understand any meaning to this madness but one thing I know for sure, I sure in the heck am NOT who I was in the beginning of 2015.  Wiser, more attentive, quieter yet crazier, stronger not weaker.  By crazier, I really just mean that I’m more free. I don’t hold back.  I’ve come to the acceptance of people being two-faced & me just not caring anymore. I refuse to hide something that’s good just because of the talkers. Nah, I’m good.  The opinions of those who pretend to like you are like dust. Meaningless.  Am I over it all yet? Of course not…. But that’s only because the story is far from over.   Many blessings have come this year, goals have been met, prayers have been answered but only through the unexpected.  I am grateful, thankful yet still, am counting down the days that this year is over. Is that a bad thing? No. Because I know life will always give me things I don’t expect but we need those things. Those moments. Those people. Those beginnings & endings. Life is all about growth, what better way to grow then through the unexpected? It’s all worth it. No matter what. It is. Eventually, the pieces come together & you realize what you wanted/needed/asked for has finally come. Through a really unexpected package.  Then, once it’s clear to you, be thankful & expect another. Roll with the punches. It’s life & we’re strong enough to handle what comes our way with God by our side.

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Breathe Again

It has been months since I’ve set out to write but I must say that it has been an interesting & busy few months. Being that it is nearing the end of the year, I have begun to reflect on all 2015 has brought. It’s had alot of heartache, but it has also had a lot of long awaited answered prayers, a growing into self, & letting go of meaningless stresses.

I feel as though I’ve been coasting along lately. From family tragedies to break ups, to crazy experiences, to betrayal, to healing, closure, love & forgiveness. I haven’t been speeding OR on pause. Just coasting. Rolling with the punches & accepting that God desires to use me despite my many, many, many, many shortcomings, mistakes & imperfections. Perhaps I judge myself too harshly. Expecting to be better all the time but I’m not. I’ve learned to speak less, share less. Listen more & to be extremely selective & attentive.  To listen to my spirit, when God whispers something to me that ultimately changes a situation or person from night to day, or something about a person but to know when or if to tell them. I’ve learned to not forsake that inner discernment, that inner “knowing”. I’ve learned to be in the moment, to just let things happen as they do, no expectation or anticipation. To be open to anything, to any adventure, any opportunity. To flow. I’ve had to let go of things, thoughts, judgments & people for my health. Some things & people in our life are just there to add more anxiety to our lives.  Worrying is a killer.   Not everyone cares like they appear to, not everyone is genuine with their words to us.  In fact, most actually don’t care & if we aren’t wise, we’ll share our hearts with mouths of running water & cold hands.

Through it all, I still see God remind me of His undying love for me. Tiny moments that remind me God is working & although the road may be tough, His blessings, His favor & His grace follow me. NO MATTER WHAT. I think the person that looks down on me the most is MYSELF & I’m not afraid to admit it because I know I’m NOT the only one. I know we all share similar struggles. I refuse to stay quiet about my imperfections & struggles because someone out there needs authenticity. They need raw truth. They need to know they’re not alone. They need to know someone cares because they can relate. They need to know that they’ll get through it. They need to know that they’re gonna be ok eventually.  This is why I write. This is why I share. Compassion & the Love of God are two things that I know I can give easily.

So I say to you, dear reader, flow. Remind yourself to breathe. Life is a learning experience, so might as well enjoy the ride!  As my good friend always tells me “just Relax Amanda.”   Then, I remember, “oh yeah, that’s right. Relax. Less stress. Don’t worry.” And I put my shoulders down & breathe.