17 years

Amigas por vida we’d always claim-
Right.
But only God knew the future.
I can’t explain to you how much this hurts
I can only hope that you feel the same pain inside your heart too.
A week away seemed like a great idea
I’m beginning to wonder if more time is needed.
I never imagined we’d be here
I’m sure you feel the same.
I don’t want to feel so angry but all I want to do is to be left alone.
You made the decision
I accepted it.
I didn’t fight it or try to make it better
Because I know our end has come.
I’m torn inside
Yet somehow I have to pretend I’m ok.
But healing is painful.
Letting go of a best friend is painful
Beyond words.
Without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re irreplaceable
But we’ve grown
I’ve grown
There are things I wish I could change about how you treated me
But I can only change MY reaction.
What happened was meant to happen
But I can’t help but feel so alone now.
17 years.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I should be.
But I am always changing.
Perhaps the reason behind this fallout
Is simple.
A true best friend accepts all of the many versions of you.
Maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe you weren’t as genuine as you led me to believe.
Your acceptance and love for me dissipated as who I was began to change.
A true best friend, doesn’t cut off all ties without trying and trying and trying.
But I respect your decision.
I respect it because I know it’s time to say goodbye.
Goodbye to 17 years
Goodbye to the many laughs we shared
Goodbye to the many secrets we held
Goodbye to the tears we shed for eachother
Goodbye and thank you.
Although our time is up, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thankful.
I’m thankful for the friend I had in you.
I’m thankful for all the times you came through
I’m thankful for the countless times you had my back
You will be missed, and I will honestly,
Always have love for you.

Acceptance

Maybe I have had this for a lot longer

But it was dormant

Obtainable

Deniable

The cause, however, of much issue

The roots, miles deep

And even though, I have survived through my own life

I has been hard to keep happiness by my side.

It is no wonder that I had to “fake it till I made it” through most of my life

Just a smile, but inside, I am wishing I didn’t have to speak.

My heart will give and give and give

Until I am left empty-handed.

I never thought much of it, I just assumed that was how life was

That this struggle I battle inside my own head was just a life-sentence

I recently had to come to some acceptance

I had to choose to remove the eye mask and come to the realization

THAT  I  NEEDED  HELP .

I had to realize that I have spent years trying to do it on my own,

Trying to make this “depression” go away on its own.

I only kept self-sabotaging myself, over and over.

The expected self-reaction, always disappointed and frustrated with myself.

This is a season stripped down, of all the added things

Keeping up with only the bare minimum

So that I can face this head-on

And focus on healing that hurt little girl that affects my daily choices

It’s time for some major self-care

It’s time to do some deep cleaning, time to scrub the walls and the floors

All the corners and cracks.

To be successful, I have to admit that I need a little help.

I have to accept that not only do I deal with anxiety, but also depression.

I will be okay, I will overcome this

I wish I could say I won’t need help for the rest of my life,

Only God knows and only with God’s help can I do this.

The first step to freedom, is Acceptance.

 

Fear

My relationship with fear

life long

I despise you

The cause of many passed opportunities

The cause of so many anxiety attacks

The cause

But also my protection

I remember you used to warn me as a teen

You used to warn me, hanging over me and twisting my stomach

Calling attention to yourself but I never knew why.

I didn’t understand or know who you were

I only knew the feeling of impending doom

That by the end of the day,

I’d be beat

Beat by the fists of his erupting, volcanic anger

Paired with the taste of leather and,

Belt buckles to my purple-welted thighs.

Always my fault.

But it wasn’t.

Though at the time, I was convinced it was my fault

No perfect child was I

But fear stood by my side, became engraved like a shameful tattoo

Somehow you tried to help me, but it never worked.

On days I felt your presence, it only ended badly

In tears, even though there’d be hours of apologies

Still.

Today I realize you were nothing but a poser.

A fake.

You were never there to “protect me”

Only there so that you could dig those gnarly nails deeper into my very being.

So that you could become stronger as I grew weaker

You nasty little fool.

Years and years and years and years and YEARS

Living under your control, my every move and decision,

Every interaction, Every thought.

Until eventually, I began healing.

I began to slowly realize who you were and how much you had consumed me.

As though you knew you were losing strength and I was rising,

You’d attack me.

Throwing me down to the floor with panic attacks, anxiety and depression

Hoping I’d stay on the ground, long enough to erase all the progress I’ve made

Yeah, you used to win.

For years.

This last time though??

Nope.

By far the hardest blow you’ve thrown

Only because I’m on the cusp

The cusp of something greater than I’ve ever been able to be

Getting back up is difficult, but God is on my side

Something you seem to forget,

You can NEVER win against God.

The reason I write this is because I want to break your power

To weaken it even more, one must expose you

I choose to help erase the stigma

Feelings of shamefulness because of the depression

Feelings of embarrassment

All in attempt to cause isolation.

NAH.

You WILL NOT WIN.

Because, today, I CHOOSE TO WIN.

Success is mine.

You are not.

God has not given me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, Love and a SOUND mind.

Today I’m winning.

 

 

 

 

Words of encouragement

Don’t doubt My work
Your time has come, trust.
Stay humble, baby girl.
Humility comes before honor.
Don’t be saddened by the way it’s come about, it’s My hand at work! Everything the enemy means for evil, I take it and create something good, something wholesome, something worthwhile! Continue to stay alert, continue to see thru My eyes- Seeing the real truth
I’ve saved you, remember, the first will be last and the LAST shall be FIRST!  It’s ok.
You’re gonna be ok,
YOU’RE GONNA DO GREAT!!
Don’t be scared, I’m with you!
I’m guiding you through the  untread waters,
I am your eyes, I am your hands, I am your feet, I am your heart, I am.
Remember, do not be afraid, but speak, and do not keep silent- silence is no more.
I love you. I love you dearly. My precious, wonderful, sweet, loving child. You can do this, and you will. I’m helping you, I Already equipped you, you’re right on!

Acknowledging Fear

An opportunity has been presented to me and want to know the truth?  I’ve been avoiding anything that has to do with it… but today, after being asked yet again, I had to self-evaluate. Why am I acting this way? Why do I feel as tho I’ve stopped breathing and my heart has sunk to my stomach? The answer came so clearly, “because I’m scared”.  Wow. As I felt that truth ring through, I saw that conquering our fears are often alot like an addict’s first step: admitting to thier addiction. I had to acknowledge the specific fear…. and ask, “why am I scared of this?” The answer? Because I’m afraid that I’ll fail & do not know enough… as if I’m unknowledgeable of this particular thing. What if that fear is just an imaginary wall I’ve just set up inside my head? Because staying where I’m at is safe, while stepping out and taking on more responsibility is what I’m destined for but I’m holding myself back….because “I’m scared”. 
I remember years ago when this opportunity was just a “maybe, one day, but I don’t think so” and suddenly it’s become a reality and I’m the only one on the verge on turning my own dreams down? What is it with self-sabotaging and fear of failure? My whole life, bound by fear of so much, being fed that I was destined to be a failure all my life….
I am so thankful to be at a place that I am recognizing those fears, and putting them where they belong- Beneath me. So, I may be scared to death and I may not have a clue how I’m gonna do it, but I have to trust that the person asking this of me is only doing so, because it’s finally time.

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I know that God has so much planned for me to do in this life and alot of it, I am afraid of!!!  These things, I am wholeheartedly passionate for, all the more reason for me to push. We can’t ever enter into greatness if we’re too comfortable staying small!  Until next time,
-Amanda