Growth & new beginnings

Alot has happened in the last several weeks! To begin with, I’ve since begun my own ItWorks Business as of last week!!  I have lost a total of 44 pounds as of today, just 6 pounds away from my first goal!!!  I’m fitting into things that I haven’t been able to wear for 7years at least, even my holloween costume doesn’t fit me right anymore from 4years ago- so much for trying to bring that outfit back!  I’ve faced a couple tough decisions, and had to make choices that didn’t make sense to me, but were the right choices.
There are things I’ve had in my heart for years that God planted there, that I have wanted so badly for the time to come, and now is the time it seems!  I have been in awe and suprise that things are actually happening and it’s because I chose to do what I knew was right. So often in life, God will ask something of us, that is of course, a betterment to ourselves, but until we finally obey and do what He’s asked, we won’t see what’s in our heart come to pass!  What we want is possible, but often, we have some growing to do prior to God giving us what we asked for. I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything happening in my life is a product of my obedience and doing what I’ve always known I was supposed to do. For me, it is getting healthy and treating the body He gave me with respect and honor. To honor my body, I must feed it right, keep it hydrated and moving. Most importantly, He needed me to love my body, even in it’s transitional stages. It’s required alot of self-discipline, patience (with myself), and forgiveness (with myself)… fruits of the spirit!  How can we practice those fruits in life, if we can’t practice it with ourselves?   It has been more than a weightloss journey, more than a wellness journey, it’s been an awakening, alertness and awareness of myself.  Being able to identify an issue/feeling/thought/action and seeing the truth. Then, in identifying the truth behind it, I set it straight with what the word of God says. For example, 3 weeks ago, I admitted to a friend that I had difficulty in an area. She was giving me testimonies of how God has worked and I saw the truth behind my issue. Fear. Yes, fear, again!! That little stinker!  I was making a decision out of fear. I’ve made the decision to not let fear rule my life, that fear will not win, so I have since made the mindset change, and God has been showing up even more ever since!!

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The new things in my life, teaching and running a business, do scare me some- but I refuse to be bound and stuck. God’s plans are to prosper me in this life, but if I let fear be my ruler, how will I ever prosper? I won’t. To prosper, I must move forward. To prosper, I must use the fear as a stepping stone. I am capable of so much, but it’s up to me to believe it and move with faith. Faith and fear cannot co-exist!
Until next time,
Amanda

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Loving ME

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It’s so crazy that even tho God forgives us and puts aside our sins, we still hold them over our own head. As if to punish ourselves, at least that’s how I’ve always been with myself. Being nice, patient, forgiving, accepting and loving to ourselves should be so important. However, I don’t know about you, but for me, I’m horrible with myself! They say “we’re our own worst critic” and, it is so true. How can someone love me, if I don’t love me? How can I love someone else fully if I dont love myself fully? Sometimes, our outward reactions to people are mere reflections as to how we feel about ourselves. Why though? Why is it that other people have to take the brunt of it, when it’s really an inner thing that we’re unhappy with? Outward change won’t be successful without first beginning on what’s on the inside. Deal with the heart issues. Dare to question yourself. Learn yourself, and grow to love who you are in the time being, love your body while it’s changing. Treat yourself with utmost respect and love. Let me tell you, it’s not an easy road but it’s what you need to do. However and whatever that means for you. For me, my biggest thing is getting healthier. I used my weight over the last 7 years to hide behind, I didn’t want the gawks by all those dirty men, I wanted to be hidden because I was hurt and used by all the wrong people in my past. It sickened me and I stereotyped certain nationalities because of it. Just being honest!  However, through all that hiding, I was doing more than building a fatty wall, I was putting myself through more and more pain, slowly killing myself and choosing to be satisfied with it. I allowed everything in life to just move on a treadmil. Going, going, going, going, but no destination. Countless times putting a smile on and lying so well that I was “happy” that I actually believed it myself. So, when I turned 28(just a few months ago) there was a switch, an alert that went off and my limit had been reached. God told me it was time to come out of hiding, even at that time, I didn’t grasp the exact meaning of it, I knew somehow, it was time for some serious change. It was time I started to love myself how He loves me, flaws and all, as I am and to wake my faith back up and remind myself it was time to dream again, time to have some goals. I had to tell myself it was ok to do so, ok to dream, to release that fear, to reach out again, believe again. This Journey is NOT easy, BUT I am loving every moment. God has placed people in my life to help me, and some of these people don’t even realize that God is using them. It’s not alot of people, but I am ever greatful for each and every one, whether they’ve been in my life for years, or if they just barely came in my life within the last few months. Here’s to loving ME, and letting the real Amanda, who God truly created to shine, to blossom.

You Are My Lesson Learned

It’s still not easy, but, if what happened hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been awakened to things of which I was once asleep to. So, in an odd and weird way, thank you.

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Some things I’ve learned:
-When you have people in your corner (that love you deeply and root for you) that point out red flags in people or situations, DON’T brush it off. They obviously have wisdom and discern something that you don’t! Unfortunately, I brushed it off and had to see it for myself, which also came along with some hurt.
-What’s from God will never come in a rushed manner because if it’s a forever thing, why rush anything?
-What may seem like it’s everything you ever wanted, may just be a DISTRACTION.
-Don’t be so quick to think you’re ready, if the rest of your life isn’t put together.
-“Loose lips sink ships”, so goes the same as smooth words to the ear. Actions speak louder than words!
-God truly DOES know the desires of our heart, if the package is in the wrong wrapping paper, than it’s probably not yours!

Dear Old Self

I have since parted from your actions and immature ways, however, you seem to have left your mindset of failure and fear here with me.  I have been using it this whole time because I didn’t realize it belonged to you. So familiar this mindset was to me, I didn’t realize how debilitating it has been to my life.  Causing much unnecessary chaos, stress and doubt in life. 
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It’s time, old self, that you take your mindset back.  I want to not fear goals, I want to know that no goal or dream is too big for me.  This mindset is all you have known, and it used to be all I knew too.  This mindset has kept us linked together and it’s way past due that we sever our ties. So, take your exceptance of complacency, your file cabinet of excuses, your inconsistency, your will to control something except for yourself, and your treadmill of going and never getting. I’m done with it.  I desire to finally move forward. 
This is the year that I treat myself for who God says I am, not for who I used to be and what, you, old self deserves.  I am deserving, I am worthy of the goodness of God. I am deserving of the ability to dream, the freedom to make a goal.  You know what else, I AM CAPABLE!!!!
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Sincerely, the real me.

Freedom

While playing piano on Sunday, it came to me- I refuse to live the rest of my life living in fear.  I’m done being bound by these invisible chains that never allow me to move forward.
Just the other day, I had with my family what some may call, an intervention.  Definitely not expected and I’m pretty sure it was all planned out. There was a deep wound that goes way back, years and years in the making that has affected nearly every area of my life- the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough.  Slowly everything began to click together. Why it has always seemed like my life has been on a treadmill- going, but not really getting anywhere.  Procrastination to the absolute maximum, even the easiest of things. Self-sabotage, waiting way too long and missing opportunities upon opportunities.  Knowing the right things to do, but never actually doing them. Starting and never finishing.  Believing everything was my fault. Words engraved into the depths of my being since I was young by parents.  Words spoken of lack, failure, a problem, never being good enough, a nobody, not worthy, not deserving of good things.  These were what have molded my reactions, choices, thoughts and words throughout my life. 

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This was a rude awakening.  I’ve gone through healing from my abusive childhood but what has still stuck with me is fear.  It’s as though all this time, I’ve been blinded and now a light has shined upon the very root of some pretty serious things in my life.  It is a horrible feeling to have all these dreams and goals yet, somehow, never being able to reach them. 
In light of my current goal: finding self, knowing that I’m deserving and worthy- I suppose this realization couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  It is imperative that I know that I know that I know that I know that I am deserving and worthy of so many things, quite alot actually.  This fear goes real, real deep.  I am ready. I am ready for that freedom. I am ready for these chains of fear to be loosed. I am ready. This is the year I come out of hiding. Hiding behind those evil words. Hiding behind those filthy lies. I am so, so, so, SO much more!!!