Awakened

Sunday I recieved some pretty crazy news that left me in shock, my sister almost died Friday night. All I could think, was, “my God, I almost lost my sister, I almost lost her.”  My mom was there to pray that night, and I couldn’t help but be thankful.
Now, before I go any further, let me explain something.
Growing up wasn’t easy, my dad was abusive and my mom was always the bystander, even sometimes lying to save herself… and in turn I’d get beat. So, needless to say, there’s been alot of bitterness and distrust built up for my mom. My brother and sister are significantly younger than I am, my sister being the youngest.  So, through the years, I’ve done my best to forgive her for alot of selfish and careless things she’s done, but whenever something new would happen, ie- marriage #2, 3, 4, 5 and all the in betweens, plus the fascade she carried of being this “oh so holy person”, that bitterness would flare up and I’d be disgusted with her.
A few months ago, I got an accidental phone call, a friend accidentally called the wrong Amanda and I received news that “my mom passed away”, before I came to my senses of “wait, why is my friend telling me this?”- My heart had sunk. After the mix up, I was surprised that I actually felt that way, I was thrown off! So, since then, I’ve occasionally thought, “what would happen if my mom really DID die? Would I be satisfied with the way our relationship is?”  Today,  I was finally able to answer that question with confidence. No, I would not be ok, I’d feel like crap knowing that I held all this over my mom’s head and never once bothered to give her credit for all the times that meant the most.
My senior year of High school, I had decided to buy some weed from a person I never bought from. I decided to smoke it before school, alone. THAT WEED WAS HEAVILY LACED. I don’t know with what, but I thought I was gonna die. I remember the feelings so vividly even tho it was so long ago. I was freaking out and I remember being outside, by myself and I looked up and yelled “God, help me, I don’t know what’s going on with me, help me!!!!!!” Guess what?  My mom shows up alot earlier than she was supposed to. I tried to hide my panic but I was so gone, I didn’t even realize I left the lighter sticking out of my back pocket and my mom saw it. Then I broke down, and told her what was going on. She ended up praying for me and took a hammer to the lighter and burned the rest of my weed on the cement floor all while praying. Then, she handed me an orange soda, and said, “here, this will make you feel better.” When I got to school I felt significantly better, and I remember that whole day felt like a dream. Do you know what else? She didn’t tell my dad. I believe my mother’s prayer is what changed things. The same goes for what happened with my sister, if my Mother wasn’t a woman who knew how to pray and call on the help of God, I believe with all my heart that my sister wouldn’t have made it through what happened to her. 
This whole experience has awakened me to realize that although my mother hasn’t been the best, and has made countless mistakes, she has still ALWAYS been there for me.  This isn’t easy to come to this conclusion, but it’s the truth. No one is perfect, and everyone screws up- but God never holds it over us, so why should we? We’ve been given grace to live and to have eternal life in Heaven, when rather, we’re all sinners, deserving of hell… but God sent Christ, Christ died on the cross, an INNOCENT MAN, for all of mankind. He died to save us, so we could be free, with forgiveness of all our sin. So, I felt guilty for acting as if my mom wasn’t deserving of my forgiveness, as if I’d never done anything wrong. Trust!! I have had my share, and I STILL mess up. I’ve always been able to love people no matter what, but with my mom, it was different. So, I had to step back and realize, that I hadn’t fully been loving as I should. So, I am slowly pushing that bitterness out, and making myself communicate with her. Afterall, now is definitely a time to have peace and be in unity, not just because we should, but for my sister’s sake.  She needs all the support she can get, only positive vibes.
My sister, by the way, is doing better, but still in transition, this is only the beginning of a process of change for her. I love her to pieces, I’d be so torn if she died. She’s a fighter, that girl, I pray that she’ll realize that. Until next time.
-Amanda