Self-Care

Life got too chaotic

Tried to keep up

I couldn’t

Lost something that I knew God had already closed the door to

Still, I was shook to my core

Ignorance was my friend

Then, like clockwork

Panic set in

This time, it was historical

Like an earthquake no one ever expects

I was caught in a trap that I couldn’t get out of

its’ aftershocks sent me spiraling down

Into depression

Loss for want,

Loss for focus,

Loss for ability.

Fear crept in, whispering

“what if it happens again?”

The very thought flooded my eyes with more tears

But deep down I knew I had help,

I knew that I had God’s Favor and Grace

It was just up to me to force myself back up

out of the rubble,

Out of fear’s underground shelter

I did what I’ve known best through the years

Like a fighter in the ring who took a hard blow

I slowly got back up

Each day gets easier,

I have begun to pick up the pieces

Today, I’m winning

Self-care, my professors said

First and foremost, is ME.

This is self-care.

Prayer is my self-care

Perhaps saving me from my old self

Awakening new avenues within that never used to exist before

But it’s time

It’s the season

Today I awaken a new level of focus

Awakened levels and avenues, and thought processes

Keys to who I am today to who I will be tomorrow

Self-care they said.

Self-care will keep the anxiety at bay

Success in hand.

Today I’m Winning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

28 things to be thankful for, for 28 years.

1.The highway. God bless the human being who took the God idea of a highway/freeway and turned into a reality. You have helped billions of people, whoever you are, Thank you.

2.The hair on my head, for keeping my head warm and adding to my authenticity.

3.For the people who have made it possible for others to know the truth about “natural”, “GMOs”, scientific recreations of so called healthy food… thank you.

4.For the ability to speak, to have a voice.

5.For a brain, fully functioning.

6.Technology, to reach and help people from all over the world. 🌍🌎🌏📱

7.For happiness and joy.

8.For my lungs

9.For endurance

10.For a healthy heart

11.For Grace, mercy and forgiveness

12.The endless second chances

13.To be a daughter of the King, a new creation, adopted into royalty 👸👑💎

14.For Holloween 2005🎃👻💒

15.For those who know wayyyy too much about me-
God placed you in my life, and I’m so thankful.🔐

16.For Ezekiel, “Zz” 💜😇

17.For my parents, no matter what, God made you my parents for a reason and that, I am thankful for.

18.For life. I used to to think this world would be better off without me, but my life is needed to change the lives of others. I adore my life.

19.For all the hardships, trials, brokenness, confusion, delusion, heartaches, headaches, storms, deserts, mistakes, and even all the people that have hurt me somehow. I wouldn’t be who I am today, I wouldn’t be the fighter that I am, I wouldn’t have the strength or the knowledge that I have gained if it were not for all those times and all those people. You have pushed me to where I need to be, and because of you, I can reach more lives. 💪💔

20.For God’s hand of protection and His angels.

21.For the ability to walk, to run, to jump, to dance.🏃

22.For Zumba! May God bless Beto, the founder of Zumba, because he has brought light to so many lives thru Dance. Thank you. So. So. So. So much.

23.For my health journey- more than just my health, but the road to discover and accept self, and the ability to help others get on their journey.

24.For my fingers. If without my fingers OR my hands, I would not be able to make beautiful music for God. ✋

25.For a musical ear. 👂🎶🎶

26.For nature- the ocean, the color of the sky, the uniqueness of the clouds, the beauty of rain, the art of lighting, the warmth of the sun, the trees, the mountains.. 🌴🌲🌳🍃🍁🍂🌿🌷🌹🍄🌵🌞⚡🌊☁

27.For my workout shoes, without them, I couldn’t dance away! ;)💃👟

28.THE BEST FOR LAST- for the people in my corner during my health journey, (and some way before it began.) For those that have rooted for me, encouraged, that remind me of the important things, for your friendship, for your TIME, for your EARS (listening to me sometimes endlessly talking!), for your life, for your patience, for your smiles, your hugs, your laughs, advice- Shara, Tony, Sonia, Edilcia, Linda, David, Vanessa, Julie, Adriana, Grace, Sam, Elisa, Pati (step mom) & Grammy (Donna Forbes). Thank you.

Walk In Faith, Head Held High

As a few weeks have passed since the near death of my sister, here are some things that have transpired-
She spent a week in a hospital and she’s doing better. Without delving into details, let’s just say that my faith is still up in believing that God is going to flip her life around. It is only a matter of time, that lil girl is backed up by way to much prayer for her life NOT be eventually changed. I am accepting everything as is, but my faith is on where she’ll one day be, despite the current circumstances.  Speaking with my mother has gotten ALOT easier, not to say that it’s fun or enjoyable or that I even agree with all that she says- but easier as in, I have successfully dropped the hedge over her head, accepted her as she is, faults and all. I spoke to her today and her beliefs are slightly more “religious” or “strict” then those of my own…. I had the PERFECT opportunity to try to prove my side, or correct or even to just get irritated. The whole point of our conversation wasn’t to disagree, it was speaking of my sister. So, I took the higher road, accepted what she said and just kept with the conversation. Definitely an accomplishment. The last few weeks haven’t been the best, but they have been full of hope and new insight with an opportunity to get even closer to Christ and to become more keen to His voice when He speaks.  I’d say there’s been alot of clarity and understanding of things that I didn’t “get” before.  Through the help of the Holy Spirit, I’m able to see my sister’s situation for what it truly is, even when she says one thing, it really means something else. I am finally beginning to see what God meant when He said it was time to come out of hiding. There are things that I’ve dealt with in my life that I can see in my sis and nail exactly what it is and know how to stop it. Now, whether or not she takes the advice or not, is entirely up to her, I am only the mouthpiece!    The other day, there was a bit of an uproar… my father is very frustrated about this situation and he was expressing his frustration about it to me. However, that moment put me back years- it was a real life childhood flashback. Everything I ever felt when I was a kid getting yelled at, became real, in my 28year old body. Through this experience were definitely tears, panic and fear but most of all I had to confront him about how he made me feel. In my step-mom’s words, “break the trigger”. Forcefully, I let those words out and the remainder of our conversation was significantly better. After all that, I HAD to take a stress break, what did I do? I went to my Zumba class and danced that yuck off, came back and ate with the family, feeling relieved! 
All in all, it has been tough, but it has been a growing season.
In the tough times of life, it’s so important to remind ourselves (or a friend will remind us for us!) that we must keep our faith! Keeping our faith in the storms of life is so important because if not, we can lose our joy, our light, our shine, our umph.  Realize that storms pass, and it’ll all be alright soon. Keep your head held high, remembering that this battle is already won by Christ. Don’t look at the negative in it, seek out the positive, where do you see God working it this? Where do you see the bad beginning to turn for the good?  Be thankful for tiniest of things in this time, for they’ll spark your joy. Thankfulness and praise are key to keeping your faith up!!!  You can’t be in faith if all you allow yourself to see is negative!      Until next time,
-Amanda

Awakened

Sunday I recieved some pretty crazy news that left me in shock, my sister almost died Friday night. All I could think, was, “my God, I almost lost my sister, I almost lost her.”  My mom was there to pray that night, and I couldn’t help but be thankful.
Now, before I go any further, let me explain something.
Growing up wasn’t easy, my dad was abusive and my mom was always the bystander, even sometimes lying to save herself… and in turn I’d get beat. So, needless to say, there’s been alot of bitterness and distrust built up for my mom. My brother and sister are significantly younger than I am, my sister being the youngest.  So, through the years, I’ve done my best to forgive her for alot of selfish and careless things she’s done, but whenever something new would happen, ie- marriage #2, 3, 4, 5 and all the in betweens, plus the fascade she carried of being this “oh so holy person”, that bitterness would flare up and I’d be disgusted with her.
A few months ago, I got an accidental phone call, a friend accidentally called the wrong Amanda and I received news that “my mom passed away”, before I came to my senses of “wait, why is my friend telling me this?”- My heart had sunk. After the mix up, I was surprised that I actually felt that way, I was thrown off! So, since then, I’ve occasionally thought, “what would happen if my mom really DID die? Would I be satisfied with the way our relationship is?”  Today,  I was finally able to answer that question with confidence. No, I would not be ok, I’d feel like crap knowing that I held all this over my mom’s head and never once bothered to give her credit for all the times that meant the most.
My senior year of High school, I had decided to buy some weed from a person I never bought from. I decided to smoke it before school, alone. THAT WEED WAS HEAVILY LACED. I don’t know with what, but I thought I was gonna die. I remember the feelings so vividly even tho it was so long ago. I was freaking out and I remember being outside, by myself and I looked up and yelled “God, help me, I don’t know what’s going on with me, help me!!!!!!” Guess what?  My mom shows up alot earlier than she was supposed to. I tried to hide my panic but I was so gone, I didn’t even realize I left the lighter sticking out of my back pocket and my mom saw it. Then I broke down, and told her what was going on. She ended up praying for me and took a hammer to the lighter and burned the rest of my weed on the cement floor all while praying. Then, she handed me an orange soda, and said, “here, this will make you feel better.” When I got to school I felt significantly better, and I remember that whole day felt like a dream. Do you know what else? She didn’t tell my dad. I believe my mother’s prayer is what changed things. The same goes for what happened with my sister, if my Mother wasn’t a woman who knew how to pray and call on the help of God, I believe with all my heart that my sister wouldn’t have made it through what happened to her. 
This whole experience has awakened me to realize that although my mother hasn’t been the best, and has made countless mistakes, she has still ALWAYS been there for me.  This isn’t easy to come to this conclusion, but it’s the truth. No one is perfect, and everyone screws up- but God never holds it over us, so why should we? We’ve been given grace to live and to have eternal life in Heaven, when rather, we’re all sinners, deserving of hell… but God sent Christ, Christ died on the cross, an INNOCENT MAN, for all of mankind. He died to save us, so we could be free, with forgiveness of all our sin. So, I felt guilty for acting as if my mom wasn’t deserving of my forgiveness, as if I’d never done anything wrong. Trust!! I have had my share, and I STILL mess up. I’ve always been able to love people no matter what, but with my mom, it was different. So, I had to step back and realize, that I hadn’t fully been loving as I should. So, I am slowly pushing that bitterness out, and making myself communicate with her. Afterall, now is definitely a time to have peace and be in unity, not just because we should, but for my sister’s sake.  She needs all the support she can get, only positive vibes.
My sister, by the way, is doing better, but still in transition, this is only the beginning of a process of change for her. I love her to pieces, I’d be so torn if she died. She’s a fighter, that girl, I pray that she’ll realize that. Until next time.
-Amanda