Self-Care

Life got too chaotic

Tried to keep up

I couldn’t

Lost something that I knew God had already closed the door to

Still, I was shook to my core

Ignorance was my friend

Then, like clockwork

Panic set in

This time, it was historical

Like an earthquake no one ever expects

I was caught in a trap that I couldn’t get out of

its’ aftershocks sent me spiraling down

Into depression

Loss for want,

Loss for focus,

Loss for ability.

Fear crept in, whispering

“what if it happens again?”

The very thought flooded my eyes with more tears

But deep down I knew I had help,

I knew that I had God’s Favor and Grace

It was just up to me to force myself back up

out of the rubble,

Out of fear’s underground shelter

I did what I’ve known best through the years

Like a fighter in the ring who took a hard blow

I slowly got back up

Each day gets easier,

I have begun to pick up the pieces

Today, I’m winning

Self-care, my professors said

First and foremost, is ME.

This is self-care.

Prayer is my self-care

Perhaps saving me from my old self

Awakening new avenues within that never used to exist before

But it’s time

It’s the season

Today I awaken a new level of focus

Awakened levels and avenues, and thought processes

Keys to who I am today to who I will be tomorrow

Self-care they said.

Self-care will keep the anxiety at bay

Success in hand.

Today I’m Winning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Breathe Again

It has been months since I’ve set out to write but I must say that it has been an interesting & busy few months. Being that it is nearing the end of the year, I have begun to reflect on all 2015 has brought. It’s had alot of heartache, but it has also had a lot of long awaited answered prayers, a growing into self, & letting go of meaningless stresses.

I feel as though I’ve been coasting along lately. From family tragedies to break ups, to crazy experiences, to betrayal, to healing, closure, love & forgiveness. I haven’t been speeding OR on pause. Just coasting. Rolling with the punches & accepting that God desires to use me despite my many, many, many, many shortcomings, mistakes & imperfections. Perhaps I judge myself too harshly. Expecting to be better all the time but I’m not. I’ve learned to speak less, share less. Listen more & to be extremely selective & attentive.  To listen to my spirit, when God whispers something to me that ultimately changes a situation or person from night to day, or something about a person but to know when or if to tell them. I’ve learned to not forsake that inner discernment, that inner “knowing”. I’ve learned to be in the moment, to just let things happen as they do, no expectation or anticipation. To be open to anything, to any adventure, any opportunity. To flow. I’ve had to let go of things, thoughts, judgments & people for my health. Some things & people in our life are just there to add more anxiety to our lives.  Worrying is a killer.   Not everyone cares like they appear to, not everyone is genuine with their words to us.  In fact, most actually don’t care & if we aren’t wise, we’ll share our hearts with mouths of running water & cold hands.

Through it all, I still see God remind me of His undying love for me. Tiny moments that remind me God is working & although the road may be tough, His blessings, His favor & His grace follow me. NO MATTER WHAT. I think the person that looks down on me the most is MYSELF & I’m not afraid to admit it because I know I’m NOT the only one. I know we all share similar struggles. I refuse to stay quiet about my imperfections & struggles because someone out there needs authenticity. They need raw truth. They need to know they’re not alone. They need to know someone cares because they can relate. They need to know that they’ll get through it. They need to know that they’re gonna be ok eventually.  This is why I write. This is why I share. Compassion & the Love of God are two things that I know I can give easily.

So I say to you, dear reader, flow. Remind yourself to breathe. Life is a learning experience, so might as well enjoy the ride!  As my good friend always tells me “just Relax Amanda.”   Then, I remember, “oh yeah, that’s right. Relax. Less stress. Don’t worry.” And I put my shoulders down & breathe. 

Mourning into dancing

A friend of mine recently had a family tradegy, today was their loved one’s “celebration of life”.  I was given the honor of playing piano for the service. Though I’ve never experienced the exact same loss as she, I still knew that hurt all too well. As the evening fell, I thought for sure my workout routine would “make me feel better” and it did, temporarily until I was laying in bed trying to sleep. All I wanted was to sleep- as if that would heal the residue left from a tragedy of my own nearly 9years ago.  As I lay there, scrolling through Facebook, waiting for sleepiness to kick in, I felt God tugging at me, “can we talk?” I finally put my phone down, and almost immediately, I began sobbing.  God was waiting for me to give Him permission to dig out the left hurt that was still lingering. Sometimes, it’s a painful process, but if we never give the hurt to Him, we’ll always be wounded by choice.  It is a wonderful feeling and a release of freedom once we’ve surrendered what’s dear to us.  God only longs to turn our mourning into dancing and our sorrow into joy. Those things that we don’t understand or see what good has come out of it, don’t worry, God will reveal it to you when you’re ready.  So, a ton of snot, a shirt full of tears, and some puffy bloodshot eyes later- (lol) I am in peace. I am so glad I stopped and let God deal with the rest of that deep hurt. It was worth it, and yet another level of freedom!
Until next time,
-Amanda 😘