Leave

In the dust

It’d be better

But truth revealed is right on schedule

I see it when my eyes are pried open

once blinded now clarity shouts,

Now, a Heart protected in guard and on guard

Show me truths that were laid hidden in deceit

Darkness cannot exist without it

Light be shown, light be at work

Leave me to peace

So, Don’t hold on

Because I can tell you never really wanted this

Depending and dependant

Independence faded and now found

Chrysalis of chaos

Leading the pack

Into a thing of beauty

Oh freedom how does that feel?

I taste you so close

Crushing against my skin like a warm breeze

Emerging

About to stun

Shining bright in armours of strength

Covered in the gentleness of love

One cannot break whose roots are wrapped

Beneath the Living waters, I doth drink thee

My peace, you never fail me

So leave, I’ve already left.

Pulling tricks out of my hat,

The hat I don’t have

Catch em all off guard

Stay wondering, don’t contaminate

Make moves in silence

Stay cryptic if you must

That’s a hat that you create

Something out of nothing

Doubters and distractors, time wasters

Light energy-drainers and containers

Let it be known –

Pajaríto colobrí

Eres tu

Detained, contained, wrapped or tied

You shall not be kept.

Free you shall fly

So, leave, because I already have.

Harshly, On The Rocks

Give them the space to talk-
then maybe, they will talk
(On interrupting others mid sentence)

Allow- to give honor to, to have respectfulness for,
as one would desire to be treated in return.

Then once they are heard, maybe they will listen with ears to understand- rather then to only react.

May the kindness you give to strangers- be the same kindness you practice behind closed doors.

Let not your own household go hungry while you give food to the poor- be wise in your choices.

Grow and water the roots but also, you must weed out what no longer serves,

Realize the truth and the lies- when light is shone on what you swept under the rug.

A mirror is not a mirage, because it shows truth in black and white. Pimples, and imperfection

Drawing in light to reflect back to the light found inside of you- have you seen it yet?

The light, the spark, the fire, the glow?
Find it and follow it, no hold bars.

It may take you to many a place unknown, but the teachers await their student

Break the chains set by others, because only YOU can unlock and release them.

Step into flight, rising in all facets of light, not afraid to be wrong or right,

Yeah. There’s that shine we been looking for!
Like a diamond, yeah, cheesy like that.

“Shine bright like a diamond” 🎶🎵

When hiding your light began in grade school, lying on the spelling Bee just so you wouldn’t be the “best.” 🤦

Forgive yourself for the times when you didn’t choose YOU, when you disrespected your OWN worth.

Accept the truth, but don’t trash what is loyal because you feel undeserving of it.

Deserving you are, it is only you sabotaging you.
So, it’s not too late, change the game.

Clean the game board. New strategy.

Again, it really will be alright- It did before when you thought it wouldn’t be.

Didn’t you end up creating some pretty phenomenal miraculous results?

Ya. You did. Did you celebrate that though?
Because…

You should pat yourself on the back
High five yourself. Give yourself a dance party of one-

Allow Joy to flow, radiate it through the marrow of the bones, and the oxygen pumping through your lungs.

Breathe it in and exhale the bullshit.

Breathing in healing, exhaling what no longer serves. Release, let go, be renewed.

Be in the now, the present, the moment.

It’s new and the new keeps producing, and multiplying.

Do you see it? Have you seen it? Have you stopped to try? Because. . .

The looking glass crew says otherwise 💁‍♀️

If these were mountains to be moved, you’d be a miracle worker.

Diamonds are found hidden in dark places.
Dirty yes. Rough around the edges, sure, but ooohhhh

That shine shine you got going on?
Real you?

You better go Windex that mirror of yours!
Do you need glasses or something?

Because, honey.

You are doing the damn thing, and you need to see YOU clear as motherfucking day.

I SAID IT.
NOW, go on…. You go do you, while respecting others at the same time.

Words are life or death, so what creation you wanna create?

Remember it all comes back around- karma’s a bitch on my side, but she can also kick us to the side.

Love. Be kind. Give space. Patience.

Blessed to be a blessing is a circular event of endless blessing

Catch that vibe, ride it out and float on it.
A love vibe. No condition, no reason.

The OG love of all love forms. That creators vibration-

Be more of what you want to see in the world- so others can begin to create it as well.

You’re a different kind of leader, for a new kind of world.

Stand tall in that- own every part of who you are, lovely and divine.

17 years

Amigas por vida we’d always claim-
Right.
But only God knew the future.
I can’t explain to you how much this hurts
I can only hope that you feel the same pain inside your heart too.
A week away seemed like a great idea
I’m beginning to wonder if more time is needed.
I never imagined we’d be here
I’m sure you feel the same.
I don’t want to feel so angry but all I want to do is to be left alone.
You made the decision
I accepted it.
I didn’t fight it or try to make it better
Because I know our end has come.
I’m torn inside
Yet somehow I have to pretend I’m ok.
But healing is painful.
Letting go of a best friend is painful
Beyond words.
Without a shadow of a doubt,
You’re irreplaceable
But we’ve grown
I’ve grown
There are things I wish I could change about how you treated me
But I can only change MY reaction.
What happened was meant to happen
But I can’t help but feel so alone now.
17 years.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the person you thought I should be.
But I am always changing.
Perhaps the reason behind this fallout
Is simple.
A true best friend accepts all of the many versions of you.
Maybe.
Just maybe.
Maybe you weren’t as genuine as you led me to believe.
Your acceptance and love for me dissipated as who I was began to change.
A true best friend, doesn’t cut off all ties without trying and trying and trying.
But I respect your decision.
I respect it because I know it’s time to say goodbye.
Goodbye to 17 years
Goodbye to the many laughs we shared
Goodbye to the many secrets we held
Goodbye to the tears we shed for eachother
Goodbye and thank you.
Although our time is up, it doesn’t mean that I’m not thankful.
I’m thankful for the friend I had in you.
I’m thankful for all the times you came through
I’m thankful for the countless times you had my back
You will be missed, and I will honestly,
Always have love for you.

Acceptance

Maybe I have had this for a lot longer

But it was dormant

Obtainable

Deniable

The cause, however, of much issue

The roots, miles deep

And even though, I have survived through my own life

I has been hard to keep happiness by my side.

It is no wonder that I had to “fake it till I made it” through most of my life

Just a smile, but inside, I am wishing I didn’t have to speak.

My heart will give and give and give

Until I am left empty-handed.

I never thought much of it, I just assumed that was how life was

That this struggle I battle inside my own head was just a life-sentence

I recently had to come to some acceptance

I had to choose to remove the eye mask and come to the realization

THAT  I  NEEDED  HELP .

I had to realize that I have spent years trying to do it on my own,

Trying to make this “depression” go away on its own.

I only kept self-sabotaging myself, over and over.

The expected self-reaction, always disappointed and frustrated with myself.

This is a season stripped down, of all the added things

Keeping up with only the bare minimum

So that I can face this head-on

And focus on healing that hurt little girl that affects my daily choices

It’s time for some major self-care

It’s time to do some deep cleaning, time to scrub the walls and the floors

All the corners and cracks.

To be successful, I have to admit that I need a little help.

I have to accept that not only do I deal with anxiety, but also depression.

I will be okay, I will overcome this

I wish I could say I won’t need help for the rest of my life,

Only God knows and only with God’s help can I do this.

The first step to freedom, is Acceptance.

 

Fear

My relationship with fear

life long

I despise you

The cause of many passed opportunities

The cause of so many anxiety attacks

The cause

But also my protection

I remember you used to warn me as a teen

You used to warn me, hanging over me and twisting my stomach

Calling attention to yourself but I never knew why.

I didn’t understand or know who you were

I only knew the feeling of impending doom

That by the end of the day,

I’d be beat

Beat by the fists of his erupting, volcanic anger

Paired with the taste of leather and,

Belt buckles to my purple-welted thighs.

Always my fault.

But it wasn’t.

Though at the time, I was convinced it was my fault

No perfect child was I

But fear stood by my side, became engraved like a shameful tattoo

Somehow you tried to help me, but it never worked.

On days I felt your presence, it only ended badly

In tears, even though there’d be hours of apologies

Still.

Today I realize you were nothing but a poser.

A fake.

You were never there to “protect me”

Only there so that you could dig those gnarly nails deeper into my very being.

So that you could become stronger as I grew weaker

You nasty little fool.

Years and years and years and years and YEARS

Living under your control, my every move and decision,

Every interaction, Every thought.

Until eventually, I began healing.

I began to slowly realize who you were and how much you had consumed me.

As though you knew you were losing strength and I was rising,

You’d attack me.

Throwing me down to the floor with panic attacks, anxiety and depression

Hoping I’d stay on the ground, long enough to erase all the progress I’ve made

Yeah, you used to win.

For years.

This last time though??

Nope.

By far the hardest blow you’ve thrown

Only because I’m on the cusp

The cusp of something greater than I’ve ever been able to be

Getting back up is difficult, but God is on my side

Something you seem to forget,

You can NEVER win against God.

The reason I write this is because I want to break your power

To weaken it even more, one must expose you

I choose to help erase the stigma

Feelings of shamefulness because of the depression

Feelings of embarrassment

All in attempt to cause isolation.

NAH.

You WILL NOT WIN.

Because, today, I CHOOSE TO WIN.

Success is mine.

You are not.

God has not given me a spirit of Fear, but of POWER, Love and a SOUND mind.

Today I’m winning.

 

 

 

 

Let go

I had just left the theaters from watching Finding Dory & I was thinking of the moral & summary. When all of a sudden, a memory of a text I had sent to a friend earlier flashed back to my mind. The ending reading, “but once it all ends, it hurts like hell.”  The thought crossed my mind immediately, is that what you think letting go is? That if you actually ‘let go’, there will be pain & lots of it??   
Ok. Whoa. Wait. Stop the car, slam the breaks. (NOT LITERALLY)
In a crazy, unintentional chain of thoughts due to a MOVIE, I had unlocked a door of my very own flash backs. All the flash backs of rejection- time & time again, no matter how hard I tried even as a child, my efforts to “control” other people’s acceptance & love for me failed every single time. I would change myself or act accordingly to their liking & it would only work temporarily. Eventually, who was meant to be lost, was lost.  Who I never fought for is still here, to this very day.
In my mind, somehow letting go meant there’d be pain & I didn’t want pain. Because I know pain too well. I flashed back to life as a child when I had no control over anything. What was done to me, what was said to me & what was said about me, how I was treated, how I was raised, who did what & who said what, who blamed me for faults not my own, who molded my personal identity as a child, the teachers who’d said horrific things or the kids who didn’t like the color of my skin.
I could not control any of it, I still can’t. The past is the past. All of that is just a part of me. How I was treated by people could not be controlled.
So somehow, I came into this cocoon of my own protection with walls painted with pain thinking that holding on keeps the hurt away, but day after day, year after year, it’s still the same. Only I’ve tried to gather prisoners through the years & tried to “make” things happen because I had no control as a child. Crazy, right? Oh, but we think this way, we do! We just don’t stop to think of what we’ve done, ignorance is only bliss for a time until we’re forced to face reality.
Then, in a still small voice, I hear “It’s okay, you can let go. You don’t have to hold on to them anymore, those moments of the past. You couldn’t control what happened, none of it is your fault. People choose how they want to treat others & it wasn’t your responsibility to make them treat you lovingly.  Let go, it’s OK. Not even I, God, can force someone to love me or to pay attention to me even though I’ve sent my son to die for them. I get no gratitude from most, but I am not a puppeteer & my creation are not my puppets.  You aren’t alone in this, it’s okay to finally let go now, Amanda. How people act is out of your control, just be OK now.”
Wow. I never once thought of it that way, that God gets treated worse then we do & He knows it & He won’t force us to love Him or even to believe in Him. Wow.
So after a spiral into the past & stuck in a deep, deep place- all because of a movie & a text message- I found the root of my inability to let go.
Here’s to letting go & burning that cocoon with all of those stupid pain-painted walls!!!  (Haha)
Until next time,
Amanda

So We Meet Again

It has been over four months since I last wrote, I sort of fell off the grid there, didn’t I?!  Well, alot has happened since the beginning of 2016.  I made a very difficult decision on NYE to cut ties once and for all with a certain somebody.

Since then, I have gone through a surge of emotions from anger to sadness & was tempted to start talking to someone else but this particular person has been in my life for years, so they don’t deserve to be a rebound. They deserve a whole me, a ready me. Yet, here April is already in mid shift and I find myself, still, not over that OTHER person.
Maybe it is all of the “could haves”, “what could have been”, “if only”….  But recently I came across a song that couldn’t have been more perfect, talking about all of the “if only’s”, but sadly not in this lifetime.  Maybe it’s because this time last year was when it all began. When my world was shaken & for the life of me, I still don’t know why I chose to let my walls down for them.  My walls are so thick, one can almost sense they are present. But this person- got through. It wasn’t even just a little bit, but slowly through the months, he crept in further inside my heart & in the end, there was nothing to show for it but wasted time. Wasted months & an ignored God. My God. Because he broke through so much that I began to not care. I chose it all, I take my 50% blame in the game I played. I am not an innocent victim, I am the one who let him into my life.
So here I am, in the midst of repair & regaining my relationship with God day by day. Each day does get better, but some days he still crosses my mind.  Here, another point in time through the years is this other person I’ve always known- but again, timing is off. Maybe not ever.
Honestly, I am at a point to where, maybe I should give up on this “waiting game” maybe, sadly, love isn’t for me. Maybe. Because that is what I see, demonstrated through all the relationships that have fallen away.  Maybe…maybe I am just too hurt.  Maybe, I must forgive myself first & learn to let go, to forgive & move forward. Yes. That is exactly what I need to do. 
Until next time,
Amanda

Unexpected

At the start of 2015, I had hopes this would be a year of courage & fearlessness. I can’t put the pieces together just yet, but I’m sure somehow, all of what 2015 gave, that those 2 are there…I hope! Ha.
One thing I can say, is I never expected to say goodbye to the people I had to & I most certainly never expected to have the close relationships that I now do.
Sometimes the unexpected is better than what we actually expected. I can’t quite come to peace with the pain 2015 brought but I have to believe that there is blessing in the unexpected.  This year has been a whirlwind sending me into inner-self adventures, to find the peace within. Having to search deeper than before, finding the Holy Spirit as my inner solstice. My constant, my balance in my pain.
2015.
It’s made me tired. It’s made me weary. It’s made me forget the important things. The biggest distraction of all came this year & I can’t tell you how many times I tried to severe ties. I gave up trying to get rid of someone who clearly wants to be a part of my life.  Yet, somehow, still, I always reach back to my one true constant. God.  I can’t understand any meaning to this madness but one thing I know for sure, I sure in the heck am NOT who I was in the beginning of 2015.  Wiser, more attentive, quieter yet crazier, stronger not weaker.  By crazier, I really just mean that I’m more free. I don’t hold back.  I’ve come to the acceptance of people being two-faced & me just not caring anymore. I refuse to hide something that’s good just because of the talkers. Nah, I’m good.  The opinions of those who pretend to like you are like dust. Meaningless.  Am I over it all yet? Of course not…. But that’s only because the story is far from over.   Many blessings have come this year, goals have been met, prayers have been answered but only through the unexpected.  I am grateful, thankful yet still, am counting down the days that this year is over. Is that a bad thing? No. Because I know life will always give me things I don’t expect but we need those things. Those moments. Those people. Those beginnings & endings. Life is all about growth, what better way to grow then through the unexpected? It’s all worth it. No matter what. It is. Eventually, the pieces come together & you realize what you wanted/needed/asked for has finally come. Through a really unexpected package.  Then, once it’s clear to you, be thankful & expect another. Roll with the punches. It’s life & we’re strong enough to handle what comes our way with God by our side.

Arise

I’ve fought through hell. I’ve fought LIKE hell. To hell (metaphorically) I’ve once been, mesmerized by it’s flames, dancing with wolves with laughter, carelessly while unbeknownst to my once teenage self being devoured from the inside out, beginning with my heart, hitting every organ inside, oh how many times death attempted its final capture. Then- I WOKE UP.  I saw truth, I saw light, I saw hope…. even though there was nothing. I had to start fresh, like a blank canvas, a chunk of clay, an empty sheet of music- waiting to be written.  I had nothing, but my heart knew that life was better in the unknown. So I grew and I broke, time and time again. Those flames came to play many times but each time I came out stronger, with more assurance than before, more determination than before, more anger against this fight for my life than before.  I’ve learned and I’ve healed, trial after trial. Every moment that I found myself on the floor in a pool tears, “Why is it always something?” I’d always ask. Yet time and time again I heard the same thing “what you have gone through, are going through and will go through, you are going to help those women & girls who have experienced the same thing or are experiencing” 
So some how all this is not just for my betterment- but for others. To somehow be chosen to go through everything one can possibly experience, yes I have wished it’d stop, how many HUNDREDS of times I’ve wanted to stop and turn around. How many times those wolves in those flames seemed so much better to my flesh, that kissing all my perseverance goodbye seemed so easy to do- so many times.

Now, I am living and operating in things that have never been. Things I’ve only prayed about, things only asked for but were just hopes. “The greater the call, the greater the devil”, they say.  Well, crap!  2015 started off with a bang, then the blows came in, one stronger and deeper then before. This last one? OH MY DEAR LORD.  I am not going to lie, I was willing to lose it all- EVERYTHING.  There’s far too much to lose this time around, basically, if I gave it all up- I can guarantee there’d be no going back. I am not over exaggerating!  We all will fall for one reason or another, but it’s God’s strength that enables and empowers us to get back up. Life gets hard. I contemplated staying down, but here and there God called out to me in different ways. He kept reminding me that His hand was held out to pick me up in His strength.  Then I remembered the hell I’ve fought through to get to where I am, how many lives stand in balance if I trashed it all, the precious relationships God has given. Then the fire that tried to burn me alive suddenly became flames to reignite my soul.

I found strength, I remembered God is with me through the fire.

I stood up with determination, laughed and said, “ha, that was a good one, nice try- I’m out” and walked away.  Was this a test & did I fail? No, falling never means failing, it’s whether you get back up after the attack or not.
I won. End of story.
Until next time,
Amanda

Unsaid

As odd as it may sound, I am a very trusting person (even tho I only fully trust a handful of people), in that, I believe others to be as I am- who believe in the best even though they know the worst in you. You can present me with the craziest, wildest, most horrifying thing and I will never look at you differently because it’s never my job to judge. I am also a person of my word, when I say I won’t say anything, I mean it. When I tell someone I trust them, it is because I believe their word.  I hate for promises to be broken and I only commit to what I know I can keep. I am a very loving person. Unfortunately, most people do not have the same heart & love as do I. Even more unfortunate, is when you find out that you’ve been outted by the person you least expected.  Yup. It’s a crusher but when you know you have a choice to make- avoidance or accept it and learn from it. Oh how I wish I could have taken the easier route!!!   Things happen in life so we can learn from them, and if you’re hard headed (stubborn like me), that often means learning the hard way. 
So what am I learning? The true meaning of silence is golden.  In short, my life shouldn’t be as open as a book as I’ve allowed it to be…  Because, frankly, words can be turned, flipped and switched (just like the childhood game of telephone)…. Not necessarily by the person who opened their mouth, but the person to which those ears who heard belong to!!  Oh Gossip. You are so juicy, but you cause so much trouble & death to many friendships!   Sounds a lot like the apple Eve ate in the garden of eden, huh? Or really, sin in general. Sin feels good but in the end?  Well, let’s not go there, shall we?!  The truth of the matter is, it all comes down to our mouth. We hold the power of life and death in our tongue. That for me, is a new realization- am I unknowingly self-sabotaging by sharing things with the wrong people? Perhaps.  So, here’s to selective sharing from here on out!
Until next time,
Amanda